Always Avoid Alliteration
by Blood Everlasting
Summary: Creativity is the name of the game when it comes to cussing! Bella hates pop star Anthony Masen and the F Word, Edward hates his life and the lie he is forced to live. Can these two come together to live Snarkily Ever After? Let's FIND OUT! Crack-fic
1. F-Bombs and Fan Service

**A/N:** Okay, so I was watching Bye Bye Birdie and got an idea for a snarky story. This is really just kind of a crack-fic but it has its serious moment… yeah, there really isn't much about this that's serious. I wanted fluffy but I was in a ridiculous mood and my husband was my soundboard so SNARK IN ABUNDANCE. This story might not flow well, it might have grammatical errors here and there but WHATEVAH! I had WAY too much fun writing this and my husband was snicker-snort-guffawing through the majority of this. I wrote this to please myself. If you don't like it? Fine. I didn't write it for YOU anyway. Lol

WARNING: Rated M for Mature content. No lemons but there are swear words (real and made up), adult themes and situations and whatever the hell else I felt like cramming in this.

I've already finished writing the whole thing so I will post on a pretty steady schedule. Six chaps total, though I may be persuaded to add an epilogue. Tuesdays and Fridays peeps.

_**Chapter One: F Bombs and Fan Service**_

**BELLA POV**

"What the Fudrucker's?" I exclaimed in confusion as a rather large manila envelope practically exploded out of my mailbox the instant I opened it.

My tall, blonde, gorgeous best friend burst out laughing hysterically and I raised a brow at her. "Fudrucker's? Seriously? Bella, you can say it, you know. _Fuck_. Ffffffffuuuuuuuuck." Her bright blue eyes twinkled with mirth and somehow, I knew it was more than just my refusal of dropping the 'F Bomb.'

"Bite me, Rose." I snapped and heaved an annoyed sigh as she trailed after me into my house. "Don't you have Cheer practice today?" I muttered as she continued to giggle. "And why the hell do you look so excited?" I asked suspiciously as she fought valiantly against her laughter, her eyes darting back and forth from the manila envelope to my eyes.

"A-aren't you gonna open it?" She asked, practically snorting while she _still_ tried not to laugh. I noticed she hadn't closed the door behind her while she lingered close to it, as if ready to bolt.

I heaved yet another sigh, setting all but the envelope addressed to me on the kitchen table where my dad was sure to spot them. Squeezing the thick, cushioned envelope, I frowned. I didn't know anyone in Los Angeles. Hell, I'd only ever been to Arizona where I used to live with my mother. Getting it over with quickly seemed best… until the contents registered in my mind and I roared in rage as Rose screamed with laughter, running off, slamming the door behind her.

Dropping the envelope, I darted outside after her, and snarled as she peeled out of my driveway in her saucy little red Mercedes. "You're DEAD to me, She-witch!" She merely threw her head back and cackled while speeding off back to school. My muttering startled my sweet elderly neighbor as I stormed back into my home. "Mother humping damn frakking hose beast…" and other interesting turns of phrase.

My knees gave out and I collapsed into the kitchen chair where I had dropped the letter, thanking me for joining the fan-club. There was a membership card, a large circle pin with _his_ face on it, a signed poster, and a voucher for a free T-shirt after logging in and joining the fan website.

_Frog humping monkey lover!_ I couldn't even really swear in my mind. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't against swearing per se… I just never seemed able to let go enough to do more than say damn, hell, ass, or shit.

My phone buzzed with a received text and I growled, looking at it. *_Love you, Boo! xoxox ~Rosie-Posie*_

Squeezing so hard my knuckles turned white, I almost threw my phone. _*Go to Hell, you anal-dwelling ass monkey. ~Bella-Boo*_

Not even a minute later, her reply had me pressing my lips together to avoid breaking into a smile. I didn't want to forgive her quite yet. *_No more Jim Carrey movies for you… but you know you love me. See you tomorrow morning. I'll drive you. xoxox ~Rosie-Posie*_

I crammed everything carefully back into the envelope, violently stapled it shut, and wrote on the front in big black sharpie marker:

**RETURN TO SENDER-**

And because I didn't want to seem like a complete jerk, I added on the back:  
**SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE  
NOT INTERESTED  
BELLA**

Dammit. That made me totally sound like a jerk. What the crap. But oh, well. There was no way in HELL I would want to be a member of _his_ fan club. Not that frakking sell-out. Who cared if he was the hottest guy I've ever seen? Who cares if his first album was still my favorite of any music I'd ever had the pleasure of listening to? After that album, he turned into what I hated most; a repetitive cookie-cut-out of every other smarmy money hungry bubblegum pop star that ever lived with tasteless lyrics and annoying melodies that you wanted to drive out of your head with an icepick. Fegging crap! Stupid Anthony Masen…

My phone rang and I quickly grabbed it wondering who changed it to Lady Gaga. Then I threw my head back in laughter as I saw it was my boss/surrogate mother. "Hey, Mama C. I should have known you changed your ringtone."

Her tinkling laugh sounded through the line and I smiled hugely. "I wanted to know if you could come in tonight, sweetie. Little Katie's mom is begging for a sitter and is offering double the usual fee. Apparently her husband surprised her with a romantic night out but forgot all about getting a sitter. You know how these new parents are." She chuckled affectionately.

I nodded though I knew she couldn't see me. "Yeah. No problem. Mr. Reynolds is such a goofball but he's a cool guy. Carmen must be excited. This is their first date night since Katie was born. She's, what, seven months old now?"

"Eight months. Thank you so much. Just go to their house at five. They'll be back by eleven-thirty and I'll be by to drive you home since you won't make it before city curfew if they're late."

"Sounds good." I agreed and hung up after saying my goodbyes. I didn't mind at all. I'd just bring my homework and do it at her house since she lived next door to the Reynolds'. After packing up, I grabbed my rollerblades and skated the three miles there.

**EDWARD POV**

Gritting my teeth, I forced a smile as my uncle and manager accepted the new music for the single I was going to have to record in two weeks. As soon as the producer left, my smile dropped and I sagged against the closed door in disgust.

"I don't know if I can do this… it's sucking the heart and soul right out of me." I admitted hoarsely, my throat tight. "Uncle Marcus…" I looked at him helplessly.

He sighed heavily, his green eyes, the same color I inherited, looked at me in sorrow. "You have to, kiddo. They know you won't sign back with them once your contract is up so they're forcing you to do as much as they can weasel out of you before their time is up. You only have a few more months." He placed his hands on my shoulders and squeezed gently. "Don't worry. Once this mess is over we'll do a press release to disassociate you from the bullshit they're making you perform and you can do what you want. We'll hire a better lawyer to go over the fine print so you don't get your creative rights taken from you if you choose to continue your musical career.

"Now," he stated and I had to grin at the look he gave me, "let's go look through some of your fan-mail and get that part of the day over with."

Running a tired hand through my shaggy bronze hair, I had to roll my eyes. "I don't know how many more marriage proposals from 12-year-olds I can handle…" I trailed off and we both chuckled. "But yeah, that sounds like a plan. Let's grab some food on the way, though."

My life was, at first, going better than I had ever hoped it would. I started playing piano when I was four, guitar when I was six, writing my own music when I was twelve, and then got picked up by a well-known label when I was sixteen, signing my soul away for three years… if only I had known that at the time.

Fucking fine print. Lazy fucking lawyer. If I ever saw Aro Volturi again, I'd clock him right in the junk.

"What the…" I trailed off, a slice of pizza hanging from my mouth as I picked up the abused looking manila envelope. "_Return to sender_," I read aloud, my mouth full, and flipped it over, my eyes widening even more, "_Sorry for the inconvenience_? _Not interested_? Who the fuck is Bella?" I muttered and opened the envelope, cutting myself on the damn staples. "Ouch! Dammit… wait… what the hell?"

I poured my fan club merch onto the table and read the thank you letter that was sent to this "Bella" person. "Why the hell would someone sign up for the fan club then send the stuff back saying they weren't interested?" I groused, wondering why I felt almost personally offended. I mean, the music I put out now was utter shit so I couldn't fault her for it, but still… I looked at the address it was sent to and my eyes nearly fell out of my head.

"Holy shit. That's my home town." I breathed and frowned again. "Son of a bitch. This is gonna bug the crap out of me." I groaned and rubbed my eyes. "And why the hell did this get sorted in with the fan-mail?"

"Write a reply, then, and quit bitching about it." My cousin drawled.

Slanting my eyes in his direction, I merely flipped him the bird. "Why are you even _here_, Jasper?" He shrugged and snagged another slice of my pizza while I still glared at his stupid hippy hair. _Damn, he seriously needs a haircut… and to stop dying it black. He looks stupid when he forgets to get the roots and he has all that yellow on top._ Shaking my head, I returned to the conversation at hand. "Getting gored no longer thrilling you?" I joked and he snorted. He was a champion bull-rider and youngest blue-ribbon roper in Austin, Texas- where he was born and raised.

"Can't a guy visit his favorite cousin?" He asked a little _too_ innocently. I just stared at him and he sighed heavily. "I want Alice to meet Dad. I proposed to her last night." He grinned at me while I gaped at him. "Close your mouth, Ed, the flies are gettin curious." I returned to glaring at him and took a huge bite of my pizza. "So, what about this 'Bella' chick has your man-panties in a twist."

I choked before laughing so hard, tears filled my eyes. "Dude, what the fuck? _Man_-panties?"

"Should I have said '_Manties'_?"

I almost giggled. Shaking my head, I took a moment to calm down. "I don't know." I admitted in discomfort. "She's from Forks, though. And look!" I showed him the back of the envelope and he started laughing. "It's not funny! Who the fuck signs up for a fan club and sends the shit back saying they're not interested?"

"Apparently this 'Bella' does. Mighty decent of her to send the stuff back instead of tossing it, though." He said, examining the other side of the envelope and I had to concede to that point. "Either reply as politely as you can and ask or get over it and quit yer whinin'. There's really no reason for you to get so bent out of shape over it. Lots of people hate your music." Jasper shoved a pad of paper and a pen towards me, crossed his arms, and watched me expectantly.

"You're an asshole. They don't hate _my_ music. It's the syrupy contrived bullshit the label forces me to do." He didn't say anything more, just continued to stare. Giving in to my annoyed curiosity, I wrote a short and concise reply.

_Miss Bella,_

_ Thank you for the return of the merchandise. It was considerate of you to do so instead of merely throwing it away. Out of curiosity, if I may, why did you sign up for the fan club in the first place if you were not interested? Or did you merely have a change of heart? Your input would be appreciated._

_Respectfully,_

_ Edward C._

I quickly sealed it up and stamped the envelope, addressing it by hand before getting up and mailing it out myself. If nothing else, it made me feel better. Now, if I could just catch the plague for the next few months, I could avoid performing any more shitty music.

**A/N:** Come ooooooon, give us a little sugar! *puckers up* Mwah! Reviews are like boobie-cuddles from Rosie Posie… or, if you'd prefer, Edward doing the Truffle Shuffle. Toodle pip!

_**Blood Everlasting**_


	2. Heathens and Hitchcock

**A/N: **Hello Innernetz peepulz! So, a couple of you crazies are actually _following_ this weird ass story? COOL! ;) Reviews would make me happier, though. *sulks* Mean readers. *sniffles* Makin sad author sad. *pitiful whimper* Anywhosinburger, I'm bored and I thought today was Friday cause my daughter got a little Sharpie-happy with my calendar. Oi vey. So, here, cause I'm in SUCH a good frakkin mood, you may has a chappy. Yay me! I are benevolent n' shit. But yeah, if I get any pretty reviews from y'all in ReadersVille I may post ANOTHER chapter this weekend while I'm enjoying my convention. Truly. I wasn't joshin ya when I said I was done writing this. 6 chaps. I'm DONE.

_**Chapter Two: Heathens and Hitchcock**_

**BELLA POV**

_Another letter from LA? What the ever loving hell?_ I frowned as I opened a strange letter addressed to me about two weeks after the fan club bull crap. Rose leaned over my shoulder and read the letter aloud to me before falling over into hysterics.

"You have _got_ to tell Mama C about this. She'll get a kick out of it." She said and climbed onto her boyfriend's lap.

I rolled my eyes, doubting her sanity as I usually did. "You should write a reply." Emmett chuckled. "It's only polite." He added innocently when I stared at him and Rose suspiciously. There was something they weren't telling me and I was beginning to get angry with them.

"Hulk, when I want your opinion, I'll beat it outta ya." I mock-threatened. Everyone knew I was all talk when it came to threatening Emmett Cullen. It's not that I wouldn't follow through, but when a guy is over six feet tall, a little over two hundred pounds of solid muscle, and only a senior in high school… well, my 5 and a half foot frame and buck thirty in weight… I was no match. "Stupid curly-haired heathen." I muttered when my two friends started necking.

I pulled some paper out of my backpack and actually decided to compose a letter in reply. Thankfully, he had left a direct address for me to send it to instead of the fan PO Box so I was fairly certain it would go straight to him and I wouldn't have to wonder if he ever got my reply. God only knew why I cared.

"_Edward,_

_I apologize for the misunderstanding. I would never sign myself up for that fan club. It was done as a prank by my best friend. Sadly, I did used to be a fan of Mr. Masen. His first album to be more specific. But, as he is now nothing more than a clone of the other kitschy, badly written, sugary music that I hate, I certainly wish nothing more than to mute him from my radio. Sorry again._

_If he put out more music like he had originally, he would have me as a fan again. His music spoke of such heart, such maturity, and such intelligence and integrity... it was amazing. It's hard to find artists truly worthy of the adulation they receive. Once upon a time, Anthony Masen deserved it. His outward beauty was magnified by his inner beauty. His soul, which at one time I believed I knew, was a glowing beacon in the desolate wasteland of the auditory masturbation we, as people, are forced to hear on the mainstream media controlled radio. I thought I could connect with him. I actually felt betrayed by someone I thought was genuine. My heart breaks that he seems to have lost that for the sake of the Almighty Dollar._

_I'm sorry for this essay-like letter, force of habit as an eighteen year old senior in high school, but I felt it important to share my thoughts and feelings._

_Bella"_

"There. Hopefully this will-" I muttered and froze when I heard Rose moan. I raced to the fridge, pulled out the water spray-bottle I had stashed there for just such occasions, and ran back to the couch. "No! BAD!" I yelled at the necking teens on my couch as I sprayed them with freezing water.

"Gah!" Emmett and Rose shot off the couch and Emmett held me helpless in a full Nelson while Rose tickled me.

My dad came in, saw the spray bottle on the floor, and all of our flushed faces; two of which were dripping water. "Daddy!" I squealed. "Help me! They're retaliating from me stopping their make-out session on our poor virgin couch!"

"Alright, you two. I warned you ahead of time but you didn't listen. Keep your hormones in check. This is your friend's home. _Not_ a motel." He folded his arms and I grinned as Emmett let me go, sulking.

"Yes, Chief." They muttered. Sometimes it really paid to have the Police Chief as your dad.

I sighed in relief, rubbing my shoulders painfully. "Thanks, Dad."

He ruffled my hair affectionately, his brown eyes, identical to mine, shone with love and amusement. "No problem, kiddo. I'm gonna shower and change then head out to Billy's for the game tonight. You wanna come or do you have another sitting gig?"

I barely held back my gag. _Sit through hours of discomfiture while Jake the Flake got handsy? I think not._ "Sorry, Daddy-o. I got a project that needs fine tuning before I have to turn it in tomorrow. That's why these two heathens are here." I lied flawlessly.

"Alright, Bells. You sure you won't head out when you're done? I know Jake'd love to see you." He wheedled and I couldn't hold back the grimace and shudder. "What was _that_ for?"

I heaved a sigh. "I don't like him, Dad. He's grabby and he smells like he suffers from extreme halitosis."

"Girls always complain about him when he leaves the diner." Emmett piped up shocking my gaping father even further. "And if he hurts our little Belly, he's not just gonna have a problem with me, but the _whole_ football team." He folded his enormous arms impressively.

Dad blinked and looked at our serious faces. "…are we talking about the same kid? The little boy you used to make mud pies with? Who stutters every time he's around you?"

"He only does the stuttering act when any adults are around." I grumbled, folding my arms petulantly.

"Puberty attacked him and now he thinks he's God's gift to women." Rose snorted.

"Pffft, yeah, if God shopped at Wal-Mart." I muttered. Dad thinned his lips but I could see that the corners of his mouth were twitching as he tried not to smile.

"That's not very nice, Bells." He admonished in a tight voice. He cleared his throat and walked off, not wanting me to see him laugh about his best friend's son.

Less than a week later, I got another reply from this Edward guy along with what looked like a burned CD.

"_Bella,_

_Thank you for your input. I also apologize for the misunderstanding on our part. I'm also not a fan of the newer tripe Anthony has been forced to put out. I say 'forced' because it's true. Knowing him well and his situation, I think it's alright if I tell you, he is limited on the creative input because of a mishap with his contract in the beginning. He hates the music he is being forced to put out. You have actually peaked his interest in saying that you prefer his original compositions as opposed to the pop songs the label sends to him. Not to mention your fantastic way with words. "Auditory masturbation?" Gave us both a laugh and a lot of food for thought._

_With his permission, I have enclosed something special. A demo disk of some of the music he plans to release once he is free from the binds of his current contract. We hope you like it. They're original and have nothing to do with the record label. I'm trusting you to keep this music to yourself because, if you don't, the record label might try to claim rights to it and prevent it from ever being released. Give it a listen and let me know what you think. Instead of writing, if I may enclose an email address so that you can contact me directly with your feedback? It would be greatly appreciated._

_Sincerely Yours,_

_Edward C."_

I gaped at the letter in my hand and looked between it and CD I held in the other. "Oh, my God." I breathed. The _real_ Anthony Masen read my awful letter and _liked_ it? He didn't sell out on purpose? I didn't know how to feel about that and bolted to my room to pop in the CD. My stereo turned on quietly and I turned the volume up. The first track played and I squealed in surprise and shock as his husky voice addressed me.

"**Hey Bella… I wanted to thank you for what you said. It… it gives me hope that there are people out there who actually understand me. If you do decide to email, just know that I'll probably be reading it, and I already respect you. I hope you like the songs I put on here for you…. thank you.**"

The first chords drifted through my speakers and my heart thundered as his beautiful voice started singing.

"_**Music dies away on dark, synthesized wings  
Forcing our worship of material things  
Am I your acolyte, your corporate slave?  
Shallow, conceited, on the way to my grave**_…"

My mouth hung open at those lyrics. The guitar was a strange fusion of blues and rock. It was amazing and I couldn't stop the goosebumps. The chills did not stop wracking my body even after the third and final song on the cd played. Tears were streaming unchecked down my face as I regretted every horrible thought I'd ever had about him.

"What the actual hell?" I breathed as I played the songs again.

"Oh brother, are you listening to Anthony's CD _again_?" Rose asked storming into my room grinning. I yelped, blushed, and tried to stop the CD from restarting a tenth time but my feet got tangled up on a sweater on my floor, making me face-plant gracelessly.

"**Hey Bella…**"

"What the hell is this?!" she shrieked in shock and stopped me from turning it off. As she listened, she looked at me wide-eyed. "Since when have you been friends?!" She asked in awe.

"We're not!" I said and held my hands up. She gave me her best 'bitch brow' so I stood and put my hand on my hip, giving her my best 'bitch, please,' look. Looking mildly offended, she sulked and I explained about the letters and what I had said, showing her the one that Edward had just sent me.

"What the hell?" She muttered, reading on. "Like the Royal 'We?'"

"What?" I asked in confusion before dawning comprehension lightened her face.

"Ooooohhhhh! I see." She murmured and handed the letter back to me thoughtfully. "You really should talk to Mama C. This would probably make her day." She said cryptically.

"What the fu-uuuuuuuuunctionally-illiterate are you on about, woman?!" I yelled.

"You almost dropped the F Bomb!" she gaped at me looking elated and disappointed all at once.

"Explain!" I screeched and fell over ducking when she threw a shoe at me.

"Come on, stupid. You'll get it soon enough." She said, hauling me up and dragging me downstairs to finish our final project of the school year. The next month would be preparing for Graduation. Rose started texting Emmett before we got to work and I sighed in extreme aggravation, wondering if bringing this to Esme would actually enlighten me to whatever the frikken hell Rose and Em seemed to know but wouldn't clue me in on.

**EDWARD POV**

_What the hell was I thinking?! I don't know this chick from Eve! She could ruin my career before it's truly begun. Why, oh, why did I send her that CD?_ I thought in mild panic after almost two weeks with no response.

When my smart phoned pinged with an email alert, I dove for it. I had a new email from _**SwanSNUglyDuck**_. _What the hell?_ But the subject line relieved me.

_From: SwanSNUglyDuck_

_To: AlwaysAvoidAlliterations_

_Subject: The Demo For Bella_

_Edward,_

_Your email address is frakking hilarious. I'm really sorry it took so long to reply but I've been swamped and exhausted from finals. Less than a month and I graduate, so YAY!_

_Anthony said he might read this email as well so I'm going to write to both of you. I am SO SORRY for judging unfairly. I didn't know the issues behind the situation and I had no right to judge based on that. I'm not a close friend or family member and I had no right to act and think that way. I am sincerely, and truly sorry._

_Anthony... the CD… my God, the CD. I am so ridiculously honored that you sent that to me. And the music… Jesus cookie-baking Christ, the music! It's been TWO WEEKS and I am STILL getting chills when I listen to it. The first song spoke so strongly of the creative restraints put on you by the capitalist record label that I was in physical pain, hurting for you. The second song was silly and uplifting and so damn clever. I adored the third verse about the wolf and the lamb. Beautiful. The third song… I didn't even know I was crying until it was over._

_There's a saying that a love song is always corny or sappy. No exceptions. You, my dear passionate vocal painter, are the exception to this rule. "__**I'm letting you go because I have to, not because I want to. Child in the womb, losing his home, I'm better off alone…**__" There aren't words to say how deeply you've affected me since I heard your first album. In my opinion: your only _true_ album._

_Oh, if I could marry a song, you'd be the one singing it… is that too weird? Like creepy obsessed fan weird? Lol. Sorry, sorry!_

_Anyway, with that I'm gonna go. The Hulk and his Amazon, my best friends- Emmett and Rose, are harassing me from downstairs. Apparently I have to go to Mama C's for pie. *rolls eyes* Thank you, Anthony. Thank you, Edward._

_Love and Respect,_

_Bella Swan_

_P.S. I would NEVER release any information or anything like that without permission. This music is safe with me._

I was grinning from ear to ear. She liked it. Actually, she LOVED it. That made me ecstatic. But not nearly as ecstatic as finding out she was friends with my younger brother and his scary amazon girlfriend. I mean, how many other people in Forks could match the name and description of those two? It had to be them. To check, I exited the email and called my mother.

"Baby! I'm so happy to hear from you!" My mother shrieked down the line. I held the phone away cringing before replying.

"Hey, Mom. I miss you. How are you doing?" I asked, genuinely happy to hear her voice.

"I miss you, too. I'm doing really good, sweetheart. Em and Rose are coming over soon for some pie with Bella." She said cheerfully.

_Bingo._ "Bella?" I asked, knowing she'd elaborate.

"Oh, that's right. We don't talk very often and I guess I haven't mentioned her before. She moved here at the beginning of the school year. Emmett and Rose befriended her after she punched that awful Newton boy. I don't think there is a nice thing to be said about that kid." She sighed and then chuckled. "Bella is one of my best babysitters and sweet as can be. I bet you'd just _love_ her! She has such a fun personality. She's always making people laugh. And much to my delight, she seems to have an aversion to swearing so she comes up with the weirdest phrases. I believe yesterday she said "Frog humping monkeys" when she banged her knee on the coffee table."

A surprised bubble of laughter burst out of me at that. "I think I like her already." I chuckled.

"Well, if you visit before she goes off to college, maybe you can meet her." She hedged hopefully. Though I knew that her hope had more to do with her seeing me sooner rather than later.

"Oh, definitely. Less than a month on that damned contract and I'll be coming home for a while. I miss everyone. It'll be nice to be low key for a while." I admitted and grinned as she squealed excitedly.

"Oh! That must be them-"

She was cut off as I heard a girl yell at Emmett: "Put me DOWN you overgrown anal dwelling butt monkey!"

"What did I say about Jim Carrey movies?!" I heard Rose shout laughingly. "Besides, that's what you get for bringing that damned spray bottle to school! I mean, SERIOUSLY! We are _not_ animals!"

"LIES! You two are like cats in heat, you horny vision rapists!" It was the same voice from before. I had to assume that was Bella. I muted my phone so I could laugh and still hear what was going on. Rose started to deny it and called her friend a baby. "Silence, you Hitchcockian Dementor Boggerer!" That exclamation was followed by a moment of silence and then roars of laughter from all around. I found myself wanting to meet her more and more.

"Where-" my mother choked on her laughter. "Where the hell did _that_ come from?" My jaw dropped. She _never_ cussed. I took my phone off mute, about to say something.

There was a thoughtful pause and I could almost hear Bella's embarrassment. "I may or may not have been watching Potter Puppet Pals on my phone while The Birds was on TV…"

I wiped tears of mirth from my eyes as I tried to catch my breath. "Mom? Mom, I gotta run." I chuckled. "But I will call you back and let you know when I'll be home. Should be three weeks but I'll let you know exact dates later. I love you."

"I love you, too, Edward, honey. See you soon." She said cheerfully, actually giggle-snorting and I hung up shaking my head with a grin.

I walked over to my laptop and fired it up, deciding I should reply to Bella's email.

_From: AlwaysAvoidAlliterations_

_To: SwanSNUglyDuck_

_Subject: RE: The Demo For Bella_

_Bella,_

_No, thank YOU for all your kind words. Anthony is absolutely flattered and floored that you like his music and appreciates the feedback more than you could ever know, as well as your discretion._

_I have a secret, though I didn't intend it to be one. I just got off the phone with my mother and it turns out, you know one another. I believe you referred to her as 'Mama C' which I assume is short for Cullen. Which is, obviously, also my last name. The conversation I overheard while on the phone with her was hilarious and you sound like someone I should be very glad to know. (What the hell is Potter Puppet Pals?)_

_Emmett is my younger brother, which I'm sure you've guessed by now. ;) That behemoth of a man-child was actually spawned from my mother, bless her poor body. *shudders*_

_I was hoping that since you're so close with my family, that maybe you wouldn't mind exchanging numbers? I am very sorry if that seems forward, but I don't often make friends and I would be glad to have one in you when my family seems to love you so much. I trust their judgment and you have passed the test by leaps and bounds. I will leave my number in the postscript in the hopes that you deem it okay. Shoot me a text if you approve._

_Yours truly,_

_Edward Cullen_

I was nervous and hopeful, wondering when she would check her email and if she would text me. Jeez, why was I even acting so twitchy over this? I didn't even know what she looked like. If she's a Swan, then that meant she was the only child of Chief Charles Swan of the Forks PD. And from what I remember, he was an okay looking man… but that didn't mean his daughter would be okay looking. And then I started to wonder if that even mattered?

_She has GREAT taste in music, if I do say so myself. She has a wonderful sense of humor and has engendered great affection from my family, which goes a long way in her favor._ At the very least, I had an entertaining new friend, provided she responded positively to my email.

Jasper texted me about how much his dad, my Uncle Marcus, _loved_ Alice. I had to roll my eyes. I liked the girl well enough. I mean, anyone that can get Jasper to dress like a human being instead of a zombie was pretty okay in my book. She even got him to dye his hair back to his natural blonde _and _cut it, which seemed a miracle.

My phone pinged with a text about an hour after I had called my mother. "Jasper, I seriously might vomit if you gush about your girl anymore." I muttered. "What the-" I paused and frowned, not recognizing the number.

_**Click Me**_. I raised a brow and did so, eyes widening at the flash animation as a slow grin overtook my face.

"_I'm Harry Potter."_

"_And I'm Ron!"_

"_Let's go bother Snape!"_

**A/N:** If you don't know what the Potter Puppet Pals are… you're dead to me. Look them up! They're HILARIOUS! Go to .com. Seriously, you know how to edit that to work, right? Good, cause FF dot net don't DO links. Jerks.

"Like the Royal 'We'?" Is a shout out to one of my new favorite movies **Wreck-It Ralph** and the "lyrics" for Anthony Mason's song are just a mish-mash of a couple of poems I wrote, like, a decade ago.

And remember, reviews are like puppet Harry and Ron bludgeoning puppet Snape while watching an androgynous naked puppet Dumbledore dance! _Work with me here_!

Toodle Pip!

_**Blood Everlasting**_


	3. Texts and Testosterone

**A/N:** Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday are the planned days for the next updates if anyone is keeping up with that. I've decided to stop whining. Lol Catch you cats on the flip side.

_**Chapter Three: Texts and Testosterone**_

**BELLA POV**

_*That is the funniest thing I have seen in MONTHS! Thanks for the link. XD ~Edward*_ I read the text I received the next evening and grinned hugely.

_*It's a travesty you hadn't seen them before. I just HAD to rectify that. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that Emmett has a brother. One who doesn't strike me as completely frakking insane. Lol ~Bella-skank* _I cursed as a new signature auto-filled itself in. "Crap on a stick!" I yelled and sent another text. _*I see Rose changed my signature. Again. That dirty trollop. -.(\ - that's a facepalm. ~Bells*_ I quickly composed a message to Rose._ *HULK SMASH! I WILL KILL YOU TILL YOU DIE FROM IT! ~Bells*_

_*Awwww! You changed it. ;p ~Rosie-Posie*_ I shook my phone as though I were strangling it… strangling _her_.

_*I don't appreciate having my first real text to your bf's brother be signed with me being a skank, you strawberry douche. ~Bells*_

_*Aw, don't be that way, sugar tits. ~Rosie-Posie*_

I stood gaping at my phone and actually growled at it. _*That's it! You are on THE LIST, Barbie. I'll deal with you later. Busy now… plotting. ~Bells*_ I ignored her texts after that because Edward had replied and I wanted to actually get to know him. After all, he was part of a family I adored so it was good for me to get to know him, right? Right!

_*O.o Wow. Rose is kind of a jerk sometimes but I'm used to her harassment since she and Em have been together for so long. Also, trollop? LOL That is hilarious! ~Edward*_

I smiled and giggled, kicking back on my bed. It was only about seven and I had about a couple of hours before I needed to crash. _*That's nicer than the words I was thinking, I assure you. I am FAR more creative than that. ;) ~Bells*_

_*Hahaha, yeah. I know. I recall something along the lines of "Hitchcockian Dementor Boggerer" from yesterday. ~Edward*_ I blushed scarlet reading that.

_*Uuuhhhh… yeah… crap. You heard all that, huh? Frak. Hey! Look over there! A different subject! So, Mama C tells me you're coming home soon? You gonna watch me, Em, and Rose do our Graduation Walk of Shame? You might get to see me biff it up a set of stairs while accepting my diploma! Oh JOY! ~Bells*_ I rolled onto my stomach and smiled when his reply came swiftly.

_*Yeah, I'll definitely be there for your guys' graduation. I didn't really have one of my own as I did private tutoring while living with my uncle. So, it'll be nice to experience the regular high school graduation vicariously through my brother. ~Edward*_ That made me a little sad for him and I wondered why he lived with his uncle when he was a young teen. But it wasn't really any of my business and I didn't know him well enough to ask, so I didn't.

_*Private tutoring, huh? I think I might have liked that better than going to high school and listening to the Soap Opera peons complain about who was getting laid, pregnant, or beat up. Then again, I don't think I would have done tutoring especially after meeting Rose and Emmett. Despite their evil, they are the best friends I've ever had and really the only people in this town, aside from Charlie, who can handle my snark. ~Bells*_ I sighed in annoyance thinking about how I had to deck Newton and threaten Crowley to get the idiots to keep their hands to themselves. They reminded me of Jacob Black and that was never pleasant. None of those idiots understood sarcasm. At least, not of my magnitude.

_*You strike me as very mature, even with your interesting "swears." Also, you call your dad Charlie? ~Edward*_

_*Not to his FACE… but yes, I refer to him as Charlie when talking about him to others. I only recently moved out here and I never really had a chance to be close to him. Renee, my mom, remarried and I was tired of being traumatized by how often I heard, smelled, and SAW her and Phil bumping uglies. Pardon me while I gag. ~Bells*_

_*Oh, wow, that's gross. Yeah, I guess the chief is definitely the lesser evil. How's the dreary rainy town of Forks treating you? I admit I really miss it. I can't wait to get out of LA for a good long while. ~Edward*_

_*It's dreary and raining on me. Lol. But it grew on me. It's green and fresh and beautiful and all those nice nature-y things. And I didn't realize how much I was missing my dad until I started living with him. I'm much happier here than I've ever been anywhere else. The people (the adults, at least) are friendly and you really can't beat the scenery. I just feel… well, whole, for lack of a better term. There's still one thing missing but I have no clue what. I don't wanna leave here. So I'm picking Washington State for college so I can be close and come home on the weekends if I want to. Whoa, I write a lot… ~Bells*_ I vaguely wondered why I was blabbing so much to him. I guess I just felt comfortable enough to do so.

_*I don't mind that you write a lot. Honest. I'm really glad to be getting to know you. It's nice to talk to someone who isn't trying to get something from me. ~Edward*_ Sadness for him welled up within me. That was seriously messed up, but I understood it. That's just the way the world is nowadays. People are conniving and greedy and good riddance to genuine people. I hated that.

_*What? I'm not like that. Do you say that because you work for/with Masen? If so, I'm really sorry. That must suck. Anyway, if I wanted something from you in regards to him, I'd keep it to myself. You're a person not a store clerk or a sales rep. 3 ~Bells*_ I hoped that came across better than it sounded cause I couldn't quite figure out how to word it properly.

_*That speaks wonderfully of your character. Thank you. I'm looking forward to meeting the young woman that has engendered such adoration from my family. ;) ~Edward*_ How is it someone who isn't near me or doesn't even really know me can make me blush so hard? Emmett loved doing that all the time. He thought my easy blush was great. Which reminded me…

_*I'm looking forward to meeting you, too. Wait, I never really bothered looking at photos at your mom's. You're not, like, some scary giant like Emmett, are you? I'm already the shortest person of my friends, I don't need to feel like a midget. Lol ~Bells*_

_*Hahahaha, no. Though only two years older, I've always been smaller than Emmett. He takes after our grandfather on Mom's side. I take after our perernts more closely. ~Edward*_ I choked on my saliva before falling to my side in hysterics.

_*BAHAHAHAHA, Perernts? Ermahgerd! ~Bells*_

_*Gah! PARENTS. Stupid touch screen. ~Edward*_ I wondered if I made him laugh or blush.

_*It happens but that was funny stuff. Reminds me of when Emmett was talking like that on purpose and making these ridiculous faces. Rose took a bunch of pics with my phone as covertly as she could. They're hilarious! ~Bella*_

_*Oh good god, I can imagine. Can you send me some? I'd love to have some blackmail on my baby brother. Lol! ~Edward*_ I thought about it a moment and decided it would be fine. I flipped through until I found my favorite.

_*Sure. This one she got of him is the best though I'm in the pic laughing next to him. ~Bells*_ I found I wasn't embarrassed about sending a photo of me to a stranger. Well, he wasn't really that much of a stranger and it wasn't like I wouldn't see him soon anyway.

He didn't comment on my appearance and I didn't know whether I was offended or grateful. We continued to text back and forth until about eight o'clock when I heard the doorbell. Knowing Charlie was watching TV in his favorite recliner, I paid it no mind and kept texting. When my door opened, I glanced over my shoulder only to see the bane of my existence ogling my ass. I was wearing one of my dad's oversized POLICE t-shirts and a pair of boy short panties which he could see.

"Hey, Bella. Nice to see you." He grinned, leering, coming in without permission.

"Out." I said, hiding my lower half with my blanket.

"Oh, come on. Don't be that way. Aren't you happy to see me?" He asked moving his hulking dark-skinned frame closer, putting his hand on my leg through the blanket and squeezing.

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!" I screeched and threw a book at his stupid face. He gaped, clearly shocked that I didn't try to handle this myself.

My dad barreled up the stairs and into my room. "What's wrong, baby girl?" He asked, panting.

"What the heck is he doing here?" I asked, pointing an accusing finger at Jake's stunned and uncomfortable looking form. I slapped his hand still on my leg as hard as I could, startling him and hurting the hell out of my poor hand. "And why the hell didn't anyone warn me? And don't you know how to knock, you perv?!" I kept ranting and my dad didn't even try to stop me. He just escorted a speechless Jake out and downstairs. I screamed in exasperation, shaking in rage.

The tone from my phone let me know I had another text.

_*Hahaha, I told Emmett I had blackmail on him and he's freaking out! Thanks for the rest of those pictures! They are priceless! ~Edward*_

_*Glad you liked them. ~Bells*_ I was still shaking and all I wanted to do is throw up. I can't believe that douche had the nerve to touch me. How DARE he?!

_*Well, that was unusually short and precise. You getting sick of talking to me already? ;p ~Edward* _"Wow, he's intuitive." I muttered.

_*No. It's not that. I just had an unexpected and VERY unwelcomed visitor. I'm coping with rage at the moment. Sorry. I just… UGH! ~Bells*_

His response was instant. _*What can I do to help? Are you okay? ~Edward*_

**EDWARD POV**

_Coping with rage? I wonder what happened._ I thought as I offered help. It was weird to go from playful banter and longwinded cheerful messages to frustration and short responses. I was already getting used to her adorable quirkiness. And that picture of her? Wow. She's beautiful. Especially in her joy.

Yep. I had a crush on her already. I kind of did even before I saw what she looked like. I shook my head to clear it and she sent another text that had my own rage boiling.

_*My dad has this friend from the Reservation down on La Push, Billy Black. Billy's great. But his son, Jacob, who is 16, is a grabby little spawn of Satan. I avoid him like the plague. I'm just kicking back in my room wearing one of my dad's oversized cop academy shirts for sleep and my skivs. I'm comfy. I'm enjoying chatting with you. Then Handsy McDouche comes over with his dad to watch the game downstairs. Scumbag comes upstairs, comes into my room WITHOUT knocking or my permission. I tell him to leave while hurriedly throwing my blanket over my bottom half so he stops getting an eyeful. ~Bells*_

I wait a moment, knowing there was more to it. Already feeling possessive, I want to smash this punk's face in.

_*He actually has the GALL to TOUCH me! He fegging squeezed my thigh through the blanket and I know for a fact he was aiming for higher. I screamed for Charlie since the frugging moron doesn't take "OUT!" for an answer and raged at both of them until Dad escorted Jake out. I'm just… God, I need a shower now. There is a layer of NASTY on my psyche that needs scrubbing. CRAP! I just realized they're STILL here! I refuse to get naked when that skeezy slimeball is within spitting distance. AAAARRRRRGGGHHHH! ~Bells*_

I was so angry I thought I was going to vomit. What kind of asshole doesn't take NO for an answer? Seriously! _What the actual fuck?_

_*Brb, getting plane ticket to fly out RIGHT NOW and KILL HIM. ~Edward*_ I was actually serious and looking for plane tickets on my laptop. I shot off a text to Emmett first, though, telling him what happened. About fifteen minutes later I got a reply from Bella.

_*My hero. (HEART) I'm just gonna lock my door and hide in my closet until they leave. Don't worry about me. I may just hunt down that butterfly knife Rose gave me… What the, you sent Emmett? Edward, I love you. You're the best. You're not actually buying a ticket are you? Emmett says you better not cause we'll see you soon. I'm gonna go now. I apparently have to get dressed and go to your mom's and play Xbox. Pffft, biiiiiiig sacrifice, that. Lol. Thank you again. I'll talk to you soon. I'm gonna leave my phone here under my pillow so I can just say I "forgot it" and crash with Mama C. ~Bells*_

I swallowed thickly as a warm feeling overtook me when she said she loved me. I know she didn't mean it like that but it was a nice thought. Especially since she seems to like me for who I am, not the money and fame I possess… that she doesn't know about…

I sighed, closing out the tab that had me almost completing a transaction for a plane ticket. _What the hell am I doing? Stop being an idiot._ I sighed again and leaned back in my chair, tipping it precariously onto two legs. _Besides, she'll probably hate you when she finds out you've been lying to her about who you are._ Thoroughly depressed by that thought, I ordered Chinese takeout after texting for Bella to be safe. _You really are an idiot._

**A/N:** I appreciate the follows and the fact that people are reading but constructive criticism would be appreciated. What you liked, what you didn't. Reviews are supposed to help authors better themselves as writers. I guess since no one is saying anything I either really REALLY suck (not impossible LOL) or I have achieved epic perfection (ROFLMAO, yeah fucking right, LOLOLOLOL). Please tell me what you think. Please? Pretty please? With cherries on top of your favorite naked character? Lol


	4. Doovalacky and Death Threats

**A/N:** Yay! More follows! I am the Crack-Fic Messiah! Lololol, KIDDING! More like a Mama Ducky. I like the duckies...

BE WARNED, this chapter is by far the longest, and, in my opinion, the most ridiculous and the most fun to write. My hubby and I were in stitches laughing writing this one. *grins cheekily* Hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Honestly, it is kind of stupid but it is purely meant to make you laugh. I have a feeling if this doesn't tickle you, then you wouldn't like me very much because my hubby says to tell you I am this version of Bella which is probably why it was so easy to write.

Most of the scenario's (except the "accent because I'm famous" BS. I do, however, mess with people from time to time by sporting a random accent) are actual events and conversations in my life. And now you'll know why I'm nucking futs! Yay! ENJOY!

_**Chapter Four: Doovalacky and Death Threats**_

**EDWARD POV**

I woke up late the next morning. It had taken hours of tossing and turning, worrying about how Bella was doing after dealing with that pubescent pissant, before I could fall asleep. But when I saw I had a handful of texts from Emmett, I panicked a little, thinking something must have been wrong. Swearing when my phone slipped out of my suddenly sweaty hands, I scrambled to pick it back up and open the messages.

_*Hey numb-nuts, Bells crashed out here and she's doing fine. Thanks for letting me know what was up. I'm gonna kill Jake the Flake next time he's alone. Wasn't gonna attack him in front of the Chief. Little fuck ain't worth going to jail for. Anywhosinburger, Ma and I took some pics we thought you might appreciate. ;D ~Em*_

"Anywhosinburger? Seriously, Em? And pictures I would appreciate? What the hell does that- _oh_. Uh…" I swallowed thickly as I opened the first pic-message and saw Bella and Emmett playing Xbox. Bella had her tongue out in the corner of her mouth in concentration as she leaned towards Em playing what looked like a racing game. She was still wearing her dad's shirt which was so big and worn out that it barely hung on her petite frame, hanging off of one shoulder. And I could barely see the shorts she was wearing. Her hair was twisted up on top of her head in a messy and attractive bun.

The next showed her diving at Emmett and the one after that had them wrestling over controllers with laughter written all over their faces. There were three more and I didn't know how much more I could take. There was one of Mom and Bella cuddling on the couch, Mom stroking Bella's hair. Bella looked very upset, just shy of crying and Mom looked worried and angry at the same time. I hated that I couldn't be there for either of them. If I ever saw Jacob Black, I was going to kick his sorry punk ass.

The next two were of Bella asleep. Emmett was carrying her off, I'm assuming to a guest bed, and she curled up in his arms, her hand on his chest trustingly, her cheeks flushed with sleep. She was so beautiful, it nearly hurt my heart. The last picture had me choking on saliva, blushing, and fighting arousal. They put her in MY room. In MY bed.

It was morning and her hair cascaded all around her as she lay on her stomach, one leg hitched up while the blankets tangled around her feet, her arms hugging my pillow to her under her, laying on it comfortably. She was gorgeous. That was all there was to it. I wanted her. I'd known of her existence for less than three months and only recently started getting to know her. But I wanted her. Badly.

I adjusted my pants, wishing I could blame it on morning wood but knowing better. _Damn. I need a shower… a cold one._

**BELLA POV**

It was one week until graduation and I was so excited! _I'm going to meet Edward tomorrow!_ I thought cheerfully, bouncing around the Cullen house. Edward and I had gotten steadily closer as the days and nights wore on, sending constant texts back and forth. He was funny, witty, clever, and sweet. I couldn't wait to meet him and see if we were still as good of friends in person as we were in text.

I accidentally caught Carlisle, as he was rounding the corner of the kitchen, trying to sneak cookies again.

"HAH!" I shouted and he jumped in shock. "Busted, Doctor Dad!" I trilled and Esme ran over to yank the plate of cookies from his hand.

"Carlisle! Those are for Edward! And they're not even cooled down yet!" She snapped, pinching his butt as she sailed past him to put the cookies back on the rack to finish cooling before storing them.

"Traitor." The blonde haired, blue eyed doctor of the house complained, sulking with his arms crossed.

Deciding to annoy him, I pulled out the German accent. "Traitor? _Nein, Plätzchendieb_! _Mutter_ promised me _gebäck_ if I kept you und Emmett vrom eating all of ze cookies."

He stared at me blankly. "I have _no_ idea what you just said." Then he narrowed his eyes. "And what did you call me?"

"It is the closest translation to 'Cookie thief' I could find on Google." I said cheerfully.

He sighed in exasperation. "And _gebäck_?"

"I'm almost positive it means pastries." I squeaked happily. He sighed again and as I slowly grinned and held up a finger to add something, he made my entire YEAR by blurting out a quote from The Producers.

"I was nevah a membah of ze Nazi Party!" He yelled, threw his hands up in the air, and stormed off while I was rolling in hysterics on the floor.

"It's not my fault you look like the poster child for the Nazi Youth!" I called after him, snorting and crying from laughing so hard.

"I know, right?" I heard Emmett say with his phone to his ear.

"Are you talking to me or your imaginary friends again?" I asked, smiling up at my teddy bear buddy. That thought had me snorting and shouting, "Thunder Buddies forever!"

Emmett stared at me, pursing his lips to keep from laughing. "Did you just insinuate that I was Ted?"

"You know what insinuate means?" I blurted.

"Gah! In stereo? You're _both_ jerks!" Emmett sulked, glaring at me and his phone. Which was kind of impressive since it was still to his head.

"Yes!" I agreed. "About you being Ted, I mean." I clarified.

"Um, how about no?" Emmett denied.

"You totally ARE! You're a rude, crude dude, with a potty mouth, and an overactive libido but you are the cuddliest guy out there." I said and jumped to my feet so I could hug him. "Suffer the wrath of my affection!" I cried out dramatically.

"Mom gave you sugar, didn't she?" Emmett deadpanned.

I stood back, rocking on my heels, and blinked innocently up at him. "…mebbe…" And then I ran off to get a water bottle cause I was thirsty as hell. About an hour later, Emmett found me perched (literally) on the counter guarding the cookie tin.

"What the hell are you doing?" He asked, dragging an exasperated hand down his face and chuckling. "And why does she keep giving you sweets?" But I think that last question was rhetorical cause seriously? That was a stupid question.

"I believe it is called 'Owling.' Supposed to be one of the new posing fads, like planking or something." I answered, glaring at Carlisle who was trying to sneak in behind Emmett. "Not happening, Double D!"

"Is that supposed to be short for Doctor Dad? Cause it has the _same _amount of syllables." Carlisle sulked and I threw a cookie at him.

"There! You have your blood money! Now go!" Carlisle grinned and walked off cheerfully. I looked suspiciously at Emmett. "Why haven't _you_ tried stealing these?"

"Peanut allergy." He said and shrugged.

"The more you know…" I started.

"Cause knowledge is power!" Carlisle yelled from the other room with his mouth full. I grinned and shook my head, making myself more comfortable on a barstool.

"Lucky for Edward his favorite is peanut butter cookies, then." I said and Em shrugged, smiling. "What's up, big guy?"

"I don't wanna drive out to Sea-Tac alone tomorrow. Rose has a doctor's appointment and Mom and Dad are both too busy to make the drive. I was wondering if you'd come with?" He asked and started looking a little uncomfortable… like he did when he was lying or hiding something. I knew he was telling the truth so there was something he wasn't telling me.

My stomach started to hurt so I didn't feel like pushing the issue. "Get me some Alka-Seltzer and you got a deal." I groaned, putting my head on the counter.

He threw his head back and laughed. "Deal. You know, you didn't have to eat that _whole tray_ of brownies she made for your bribe…" he hedged, going to the medicine cabinet.

"The devil you say!" I growled and groaned.

**EDWARD POV**

Leaving the label was a huge deal. My contract was up and I gave a press release disassociating myself from the music I was forced to release, not including my first original album. I gave sincere apologies to my fans and the people who genuinely liked the music I had put out and hated. Then I thanked those who still had faith in me as a musician and supported my new foray into music. Real music.

There was backlash and speculation; such is the life of a star in the public eye. Always in the public eye. I used my real name when buying a coach ticket to Seattle and made sure to "leak" that I was going to Paris on a private jet. What I had actually done was convince Jasper to pretend to be me, we looked close enough alike and he was going to wear a wig and dress like me, and paid for him and Alice to go to Paris on a private jet. They were more than happy to accommodate me.

I packed a military sea bag and waited for the paparazzi to follow "Anthony and his mystery girlfriend" before throwing on comfortable bootcut jeans, a shirt, and a black hoodie and having Uncle Marcus take me to the John Wayne airport about an hour away. A dark green beanie hid my hair and dark glasses hid my eyes. I decided to shoot off a text to Emmett to let him know what was going on.

_*Getting close to the airport to leave. Paps is following Jazz. Can we be Aussie this time? I've been practicing. XD ~Edward*_

Not even two minutes later he replied. _*Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi, oi, oi! ~Em*_

I chuckled and practiced my Australian accent in the car, getting into the character to throw people off if they thought they recognized me. Marcus offered pointers as our family is originally from Australia and knew the accent well. Even giving me some hilarious slang.

As I was boarding, I greeted the flight attendant who would not get out of my way. "I'm sorry, sir." She breathed and batted her lashes. I hoisted my carry on in front of me so she couldn't touch me and waited for her to move farther down the aisle. She did with a huff when I neither spoke nor acknowledged her any further.

Marcus called me and I sighed. "G'Day, Uncle. Yeah, had a little trouble gettin t'my seat thanks to a little Sheila Figjam." I muttered just barely loud enough to be heard by the dumb broad. I glanced at her and leaned away, sending her a dirty look, when she tried to brush against me as she passed. _What the hell? I thought this shit only happened in badly written stories…_ (**A/N:** Oh Edward, you wound me so…)

Uncle Marcus laughed and told me to make sure I kept up the act until I was in Emmett's car and away from the airport and proceeded to give me updates on the paparazzi following Jasper. They were still hounding him though he was in the air and on his way to France.

Hanging up, I waited until the plane was in the air before popping in my earbuds, doing my best to brush off and ignore that slutty stewardess. Damn she was persistent. "Listen, I'd really appreciate it if ya'd leave me the hell alone, miss. I don't need or want anything from ya. I've got a girl and you sure as hell can't compare." I said honestly. She was offended but I didn't care. _Ugh, please let this flight be quick._

I received a text as the tarty little bint flounced off. _*Why is Emmett making me Google Australian slang for him? Also, did you know he could do a pretty awesome accent? ~Bells*_

I decided to be as honest as I could without telling her via text message that I and my family have been lying to her this whole time. _*Sorry. Due to my position, I am tailed by paparazzi and am traveling incognito. Pulled a Bait and Switch with my cousin Jasper and am pretending to be an Aussie on vacation to throw any other possible press off. Just told off a flight attendant for being annoying and kind of slutty, if I'm being honest. ~Edward*_

I wondered if that would confuse her. _*Whatever, Anthony. Quit being a drama queen. ;p ~Bella*_ I froze, wide eyed. _She… she knew? Or was she just making a joke?_

_*Did Emmett tell you? ~Edward*_ There. That was vague enough that if she didn't know, then she'd be confused.

_*I kind of figured it out for myself but I wasn't sure until you just confirmed it. Really, it was the little things; like the way you worded certain things, Rose and Emmett's behavior whenever you or "Anthony" were mentioned, and a photo of you and Emmett when you two were in elementary school. Can I ask why you all lied to me? I'm feeling pretty hurt right about now. ~Bella*_ I rubbed my hand roughly over my chest, my heart in pain over having hurt her.

_*That was never my intention and if you know my family as well as I think you do, you know they'd never want to hurt you. Mom and Dad probably didn't realize you were unaware while Emmett and Rose thought it would be hilarious. I, on the other hand, have been burned so many times in that past that I can't help but be cautious. I've been scared and worried for so long, it's hard to shut it off. But with you, I don't feel like I have to be. I'm so very sorry I hurt you. Please believe me that I hate that I did. I just… I guess I wanted to see if you'd like me for me. ~Edward*_ I hoped she could forgive me.

I didn't get a reply back from her and I tried to ignore the nausea and pain in my gut as I was told to turn off my electronics. She didn't reply to any of the other texts I sent, either. _Fuck my life..._

**BELLA POV**

We were on our way to the airport when Emmett decided I just _had_ to look up some Australian slang for him. "Whyyyyyyy?" I asked on a dragged out lilt.

He snorted, grinning, and muttered, "Ask Edward." And chuckled.

"I will." I chirped in a haughty tone and he looked surprised.

"Shit, I didn't think you would hear me." I rolled my eyes and thought about what to text exactly. Rose and Emmett had been acting too weird since the damn manila envelope exploded out of my mailbox. Honestly, I've had my suspicions. Especially since I went into Mama C's and Dr. Dad's room yesterday and saw that adorable photo of little giant Emmett and little Edward. There was only one person I knew of had that mop of copper hair.

_Copper top… oh, my god, if he is and he still has that same head of hair, I am SO calling him Duracell and all kinds of insulting Ginger-based names!_ I cackled evilly to myself and noticed Em glancing at me nervously. Emmett started spouting off insane and HILARIOUS Croc Hunter quotes and I was genuinely impressed with the accent.

"I can pull off British accents of varying varieties but I have never been able to pull off Aussie." I admitted aloud, earning an excited squeal slash chuckle from my Thunder Buddy (_Yeah, like I was letting THAT one go._). I finally shot off a text and Edward's reply came relatively quickly, making me almost positive he was Anthony Masen. _What a two faced little butt head! Well, let's see how he replies to THIS one._ I sulked and texted him again, calling him "Anthony" in the message.

He replied again and I growled as he essentially just confirmed it, asking if Emmett told me. I texted back, again, ignoring the beep of my dying phone. Apparently receiving his final text was too much for the battery, the ringtone killing my phone as I cussed. I didn't even get to read what he said and if he was genuine about who he was while I chatted with and got to know him these last weeks, then he was probably pitching a spaz on the plane. "Son of motherless goat!" I snarled and threw myself into my seat petulantly.

"What's up?" Emmett asked after shouting: "CRIKEY!"

"My phone just died after Ginger sent his last text. I didn't get to read it so now he's probably freaking out about why I'm not talking to him. I guess that's what he gets for lying to me about being a bloody pop star." I said snootily and stuck my nose in the air.

He chuckled nervously, "So, you're just mad at _him_, right?" He asked hopefully.

I turned and leveled him with a VERY displeased Bella glare. "Let's not get shit twisted, Em. If I had an Epi-pen, I'd shove one of these cookies down your throat before gleefully stabbing you with the cure." I deadpanned, making him gulp thickly. I was pretty sure he knew I would never actually risk his life, but it was fun to watch him squirm. "Alls I gotsta say is you and Barbie better watch your backs." I sang cheerfully and put one of my CD's in the car stereo.

"Fuck." He muttered. When we finally got to the airport, we had about ten minutes of waiting while Edward's flight taxied and deplaned the passengers. So, I slipped away unnoticed before getting a running start and jumping onto Emmett's back, giving him the slimiest Wet Willy ever. He squealed like a little girl and gagged as I cackled and jumped away from his flailing before I accidentally got a black eye. "Oh god, why me!" he whined so quietly only I heard him all the while pawing at his ear like a dog.

"We're good now, Emmy-Bear. But DON'T say anything to Malibu Barbie or I'll do it again and again _indefinitely._" I threatened. He visibly gagged again, going green around the gills. "Oh, and try not to break character, Steve Irwin." I snarked and he immediately brightened, hand rubbing his ear still.

"Is everything alright here?" Security came over and I crossed my arms, glaring at Emmett, tapping my foot.

Emmett grinned and let loose a huge laugh. "Oi, nothin' I didn't deserve. Me best mate here was just takin the piss outta me for bein' shonky again." The male security guard just stared having no clue what Emmett was talking about. I sighed and knew I was going to have to translate.

"He said he deserved my friendly attack for lying to me." I said and watched as the guard looked over at Em for confirmation to which Emmett gave a confused look.

"That's what I _just_ said!" he complained and sighed, accent still in full affect. I was going to need to practice that shit cause this was funnier than hell. Straight faces I could pull, but I wanted to laugh so bad!

I stood behind Emmett while he chatted with the amused guard for a while when I heard a shout of: "Oi, Emmett, ya bastard!"

Emmett excused himself and rushed over to his brother. I caught a glimpse of a black hoodie and a dark green beanie, but that was it. "'Ey Eddie! What's with this doovalacky on yer head? Can't handle the cold weather anymore, ya Sandgroper?"

_Crap, crap, crap on a stick? Why does he have to be the hottest guy ever and even HOTTER in person? What the shimmying frug?_ I was starting to panic a little. And all of a sudden I wished I had dressed a little nicer but I was so excited to meet Edward that I wasn't really thinking and I let Rose pick my clothes out, which was ALWAYS a bad idea.

My hair was down, which I usually didn't do because it was an absolute pain to brush out so I usually stuck with a bun, braid, or ponytail. I was going to ask Rose to maybe French braid it until she promised to brush it out gently for me which is a bribe and I was okay with that. Nothing felt better than having someone else pet or brush my hair. I almost started dazing off, thinking about how awesome it was going to be to demand brushy-time.

Thinking about my outfit, I knew I should have been suspicious when I liked it so much. I wore comfortable, form-fitting darkwash bootcut jeans, and my favorite black chucks. I argued, and lost, about wearing matching black underwear and bra, especially since my top was white. I mean, that's supposed to be tacky, right? But she assured me it was fine and I rolled my eyes, not really caring. The top was my racerback white tank with a quote in silver glittery writing from one of my favorite bands, Opeth, on it.

"**Touching her flesh in this night  
My blood froze forever  
Embraced before the dawn  
A kiss brought total eclipse**

**And she spoke**  
**Once and forever**  
**I am so cold**  
**In mist enrobed the twilight**  
**She was standing...**"

I had a red and black flannel long-sleeved shirt tied around my waist in case it got too cold. But I was pretty used to the weather here, so I wasn't really bothered by the cool misty air of Washington anymore.

Hearing my name brought me back to the here and now. "Is Bella going to speak to me? She wasn't answering my texts."

I swallowed thickly before crossing my arms under my breasts, sort of squishing and lifting them a little. Not that they needed the help, I was almost as stacked as Rose. I smirked a little and raised a brow, watching as Emmett gestured over his shoulder to me. "Ask 'er yerself, mate!"

Edward froze before looking around Emmett and finally saw me. I couldn't see his hair or his eyes with the hat and shades, which was a damn travesty. His lips parted and my girly parts tingled. _Hells, Bells, he's got such a hot mouth. _Stepping around his big little brother, he slowly, hesitantly made his way over to me. Though my heart was thundering in my chest, my smirk remained. This was actually amusing despite my nerves acting up. I noticed him pause as he read the lyrics on my top, eyes lingering a little too long. I cleared my throat and his head snapped up.

"Subtle." I snarked softly, my voice laced with amusement. His cheeks and ears turned red and I started grinning. "Come here, stupid." I laughed and gave him a hug. He hugged me back tightly, his body relaxing, practically sagging, in relief. "My phone died after I sent my last text." I told him, my face pressed against his shoulder. I would have said that to his face, but he wouldn't let me go. I was starting to get uncomfortable.

"Give 'er up, Ed. We oughtta bugger off, or Mum'll skin me. She'll have tea ready when we get there." Emmett said and physically pulled us apart. I was torn between being grateful and annoyed. Grateful won out, though, because as attached and attracted as I was to Edward, I still didn't know him that well and wasn't comfortable with his physical affection for me yet. If he groveled enough, it wouldn't be long before I was climbing all over him like I do to Emmett.

"Too right." Edward said and we grabbed his stuff from baggage claim as the whispers of others followed us. I actually heard someone ask if Edward was who they thought he was.

"No. Can't be. That guy's Australian. But he looks a lot like him, doesn't he?"

"Totally. He's hot. The accent's pretty hot, too."

And there were other similar comments to that, but with Em and Edward's boisterous, and purposely obnoxious, accented conversation, people were none the wiser.

I was climbing in the front seat of Emmett's giant Jeep when Edward called out: "Shotgun!" Ignoring him, I climbed in, buckled my seatbelt, closed the door, and locked it. "Hey!" He sulked and I continued to ignore him. I wasn't really trying to be rude, but I did NOT give up the front seat when I was already sitting in it… and I had no idea what to say to him now that I knew. He wasn't necessarily a different person but I still felt betrayed that he and everyone had lied to me for so long.

"Sorry, dude," Emmett said once we were on our way, "but Bella gets dibs since I'm still scared of any payback she might dish out. Plus, she was practically already in the Jeep when you called it."

I smiled sweetly at Emmett, leaning over and kissing his cheek. "That's my Thunder Buddy." Emmett groaned but smiled, seeming relieved that I wasn't really mad at him anymore. "Oh! Edward, your mom made these for you." I said and passed back the tin of cookies.

"Sweet! Thanks." He said, brushing his fingers against mine before taking the tin.

"Uh, you're welcome." I frowned and rubbed my hand on my jeans, annoyed that my body reacted so strongly to him when I was still upset. I finally came up with a safe topic of conversation as the silence was clearly making all of us uncomfortable. "So, glad to be going home?"

I turned in my seat to look at him and nearly choked. He'd taken off the beanie and his gorgeous mop of copper hair was in complete disarray. Laughing, I had to ask after his indignant: "What?"

"Been near any bovines lately?" I giggle-snorted.

"_What?_" He frowned and Emmett glanced back, roaring with laughter.

"DUDE! Your hair is, like, one cowlick after another!" He guffawed, pounding the steering wheel. Edward's face turned red as he frowned, trying to smooth down his hair, knocking his shades off in the process. My laughter died in my throat when he looked at me with those deep green eyes.

I turned slowly back in my seat so I was facing the front and tried to ignore Emmett ribbing me while my face flamed.

"What are you on about, Em?" Edward asked in confusion.

"She likes blue and green eyes. Before she started taunting Dad about being a Neo Nazi, she used to just stare at his eyes when she thought no one was looking. She was more obvious about it with Mom's eyes and even Rosie's." I blushed darker. "I can win almost any argument with her if I can get her to look at my eyes."

"Alright already! Quit talking about me like I'm not even here!" I snapped, even more embarrassed. I also hated it when people spoke about me in the third person while I was present.

"It probably doesn't help her case that she thinks you're ho-" I pinched his arm hard.

He yelped as I unbuckled my seatbelt, climbed into the back seat, unbuckled Edward's seatbelt, and growled at him. "Get your ass in the front seat. I'm not staying up there for abuse. I'm gonna nap." I sulked. "And you're not my Thunder Buddy anymore, traitor." I snapped to Emmett who looked genuinely hurt at my outburst.

**EDWARD POV**

I was so relieved when she hugged me that I may have gone a little overboard and buried my face in her hair, inhaling the sweet floral fragrance. The pictures I'd been sent did not do her justice. She was so gorgeous. And funny. Even though she embarrassed me by calling me out for ogling her chest a little, I wanted to laugh, too. I really just loved the feel of her softness in my arms.

When Emmett pulled her away from me, I was going to protest until I saw how uncomfortable I'd made her and felt like a complete ass. We got my bag, followed by whispers and speculation, while Em and I pulled out every ridiculous slang term and insult we could think of. Without really paying attention, I called out "Shotgun!" for the front seat. When I looked at Em's Jeep, I noticed Bella glaring as she climbed in anyway, buckling up before closing and locking the door. I hadn't realized she was already in the seat practically when I called it. _Dick move, stupid._ I berated myself. "Hey!" I jokingly complained.

She didn't acknowledge me and I wondered if that hug and the lie of my identity had really completely fucked things up. When she passed back the cookie tin, I excitedly accepted it, purposely stroking her fingers before pulling it from her. She hadn't even looked back. I thanked her and inhaled a few. I was starving, after all, and it was about a four hour drive back to Forks. I was glad they'd thought to bring these for me.

When Bella's face peeked around her seat as she began talking to me, I reached up and pulled off the annoying beanie. It was too warm with the Jeep's heater on. When she and Emmett stared making fun of me, I sulked a little and tried to smooth it out, knocking my sunglasses off my face. Bella's laughter trailed off almost immediately as my eyes met hers and her cheeks flushed softly, beautifully. I didn't want to look away but she moved back so she was facing front.

I was confused until Emmett started ribbing her. She snapped at him to stop. Of course he didn't. Then she pinched him and climbed into the back seat, giving me a fantastic, albeit brief, look down her shirt.

"Get your ass in the front seat. I'm not staying up there for abuse. I'm gonna nap." She snapped at me without looking my way. "And you're not my Thunder Buddy anymore, traitor." She growled at my brother. Em looked sad and sunk in his seat a little. I think she actually hurt his feelings with that comment despite the fact that he complained about being referred to as Ted yesterday when I was on the phone with him.

I smiled, remembering the hilarious antics of Bella and my Dad and Emmett. "Am I allowed to apologize first?" I asked softly.

Startled, her eyes met mine before she quickly looked away. "Oh, uh…"

I took her hand and she tensed up, so I released it with a heavy sigh. "I never meant to hurt you, Bella. Or lie to you, really. I didn't know you. Therefore, I couldn't trust you. I've been burned pretty badly by others and I wasn't really willing to risk it again. But you have proved to me that you _can_ be trusted and that you're a good person. I'm so sorry that even after we started becoming friends, I continued to keep the truth from you." I ran a tired hand through my hair and stared at my lap. "I just… I wanted you to like me for _me_ and not the preconceived me that you had, at one point, an extreme dislike for."

"Really? Even after I formally apologized to you?" She asked quietly, a little incredulous.

"Even after that. I also wanted to know that you wouldn't just be star-struck and like me for _that_. I wanted you to have the chance to get to know me, my likes, my dislikes, my quirks, and all of that and decide whether you would like me and be my friend because of or in spite of that. Because I wanted you to like Edward, not Anthony." There was a pregnant pause and I looked up when Bella finally took my hand in hers and squeezed.

"You know, I think I understand. I'm not saying it wasn't crummy of you to do that, but I understand it. But _you_ need to understand something that _I_ see. You are _not_ Anthony. You are Edward. Music is a part of who you are; your fame, however, is _not_. Yes, it is a part of your life, but it's got nothing to do with you as a person, as a friend. You're not shallow and materialistic, you don't base every decision on what would make more money."

I swallowed thickly and prayed I wouldn't embarrass myself by crying. Though, I wanted to.

"I like you a lot, Edward. And I love your family. They're good people. And from what I've learned of you from them and from talking with you, you're good, too. So, after all this, I just hope you can give me at least a little bit of your trust. I'm not going to burn you-" Emmett snorted and she chuckled. "Okay, I will rib you but I will never actively try to genuinely hurt you or betray you."

"That's true, bro. She's trustworthy. You're not the only one who's been burned before." Emmett said and I looked at him in confusion when Bella flicked him behind the ear. "OW! Sorry! Ffffffuuuuck!" He rubbed his abused flesh.

"That is not your story to share, Ass-hat." She snapped and grinned when Em mumbled something about tattoos. "We'll talk to Rose about it later, but I already agreed, remember?"

Emmett bounced, giggling like a girl, and asked if we wanted to hit up a drive-thru. "Yes PLEASE." I said as my stomach growled in hunger. I turned back to Bella who looked more relaxed. "So… I know you're still a little upset, but _forgive me_?" I held my hands together in front of me and hissed pitifully.

She squealed and giggled, throwing herself into my arms. "I _FUCKING_ KNEW I wasn't the only person who's seen **Rockula**!" She practically vibrated with excitement and I laughed. I held her tightly, pulling her onto my lap, when Emmett slammed on the brakes.

"YOU SAID IT!" He roared in glee, twisting in his seat to stare at us while we were parked on the shoulder of the highway. The whoop of a siren sounded and we all groaned. "Shit!" Emmett swore.

"Execute plan B!" Bella whispered and continued to cling to me. "I'm going to pretend to have a panic attack disorder. Emmett, grab my meds from my purse. Edward, play along." She started forcing herself to hyperventilate, but not to the point where she would actually pass out. _Jesus, these two are sneaky!_

I mentally shrugged, enjoying any plan that let me hold her like this. As the cop made his way to Emmett's window I began slowly rocking Bella, stroking her soft hair while she whimpered and twitched, clinging to me desperately. I forced a concerned look on my face as the officer asked what was wrong.

"Sorry, sir. Something triggered her panic attack." Emmett lied, giving a really convincing speech about having been traumatized by something when she was younger, we just didn't know what because she wasn't able to talk about it yet. "I'm awful sorry I slammed on the brakes that way but she flailed and hit me in the back of the head. I didn't cause an accident, did I?" He choked and I knew he was actually worried. I looked at the officer in fear when he ducked his head to look at Bella and I.

"No, you guys are okay. Just be more careful and keep her behind the front passenger to reduce the risk of her hitting you if there's another incident. Is she gonna be okay?" He asked in concern. "Do you need a hospital?"

"No." I answered quietly and kissed Bella's cheek. "She'll be okay in a few minutes." Emmett passed me a pill and a water bottle. "Sweetheart, you need to take your pill, okay? Bella? Can you hear me?" _Damn, I'm a good actor_. I thought and tried not to laugh. I nuzzled her neck, playing it up while I could get away with it, popped the pill in her mouth when she pulled back a little. My fingers caressed the fullness of her bottom lip.

She shook her hand violently, spilling the water Emmett put in her hand over us both and I gasped at how cold it was. Her face was flushed, her eyes slightly glazed, and I wanted nothing more than kiss her senseless. That would have to wait until I was sure she returned my feelings. _Fuck, you're not in love with her already, are you?_ I thought in shock. But I couldn't refute it. I was totally in love with her.

Emmett bid the officer goodbye and after Bella sat up a little, we drove until we hit the nearest drive-thru.

"Why are we so amazing?" Emmett asked in amusement. I reluctantly released Bella when she pulled away and sighed, grinning.

"Well, _somebody_ has to be." She said and slowly started moving for the front seat again.

"No way, missy! You gave up shotgun!" I said grabbing her hips and yanking her back, but not before ogling her very fine ass. What? I'm a guy! Don't look at me like that!

"Dang it!" She muttered and smacked my ass as I climbed up front. I heard her buckle up and did the same as Emmett and I perused the menu of the burger joint. "Hey," she leaned forward and murmured in my ear, handing me my beanie and sunglasses again, "put these back on. I think you guys should pull the accent again or risk getting noticed." She kissed my cheek and I smiled cheerfully, putting my "disguise" on.

"CRIKEY!" Em shouted, causing Bella and I to burst out laughing.

We shared our meals, all having gotten different entrees and sides, and chatted amiably on the final leg of the drive, the brake slamming incident all but forgotten.

"You're staying for dinner, right?" Emmett asked as we piled out of the Jeep.

Bella started to fidget and look anywhere but at us. "Uh, no, actually. I made a promise to Charlie. He'll be here soon…" she grimaced and put her face in her hands. "I have to get stuff ready for the fishing trip tomorrow."

I frowned, not liking that she had to leave, but understanding since she made a promise to her dad. Emmett frowned and grabbed her shoulder. "No way. I thought you were joking about that." He growled and I wanted to pull her behind me, protecting her from him, which was ridiculous since she was one of Em's best friends.

She sighed. "I just let you think that so you wouldn't get yourself into trouble. I have to. I didn't know Charlie was inviting _them_." She looked tired and I reached out for her. She went willingly into my arms and gave me a tight hug. "I'm glad I finally got to meet you. I'll see you later, okay?" She asked and I let her go, not understanding.

"Charge your damn phone and if that fucking prick sets so much as one HAIR out of line, I'm going to fuck his shit UP." Emmett snarled and I finally understood.

"You have to go on a fishing trip with _Chester the Molester_?!" I asked in horror.

**A/N: **The song quote I chose specifically cause it was punny, referencing some of the book titles from the Twilight series. But it is a real Opeth song and they are an awesome band. Check 'em out if ya like. *hearts*

I'm a first generation American. My family ALL comes from Scotland and I am so BUMMED I never got the bitchen accent! *sulks* I have some family still in the UK (England and some in Australia, obviously some still in Scotland). But though I don't naturally have the accent, I can mimic the Scottish, Irish, British, and even Australian accents (I can even differentiate between Kiwi and Aussie, the different kinds of Brits and Scots and Irish accents).

It's hilarious fun to fuck with people when you go somewhere new and whip out an accent with them practically falling over themselves to follow you around or get you to "Talk British to mah kids!" Yes. That has happened and yes, I was offended despite being born in America. Some people, regardless of where they're from, are just plain rude, myself inscluded when the occasion calls for it. But I usually don't do it out of the blue to a random stranger without cause. I actually LIKE people, despite my prickly online persona. *hearts* ANYHOODLES,

All the slang I gathered from personal experience with family members and the website known as:

www . koalanet . com . au / australian-slang . html

Just remove the spaces.

Toodle Pip!

**Blood Everlasting**


	5. Nitwits and Nut Shots

**A/N: **I honestly have no idea what possessed me to write this chapter the way I did. It's a bit corny… which I suppose keeps in with the overall theme. Yay! My shoulder and neck are raging at me to find a massage therapist so I'm just gonna cut this short and letcha get to it! ENJOY!

_**Chapter Five: Nitwits and Nut Shots**_

**BELLA POV**

Right after Edward's outburst and HILARIOUS nickname for Jacob, my dad pulled up in his cruiser. I gave a wave before bolting into the front seat. "Hey Daddy! You ready to catch dinner tomorrow?" I asked brightly. I usually enjoyed fishing when it was just me and him so my attitude didn't raise suspicion.

"Sure am, kiddo." He said cheerfully as we pulled away. "Was that Edward? Boy, he sure has changed since I last saw him. Nerdy little thing when he still lived here."

I looked over my shoulder to see Edward watching us leave. Tall, muscled runner's body, crazy sex hair, dreamy green eyes. "Are we talking about the same guy?" I asked dubiously and turned back in my seat.

Charlie laughed and nodded. "Esme and Carlisle's oldest? Yeah, it's hard to miss that crazy hair. It was a little redder when he was in high school, though. He used to wear really baggy clothes, had pretty bad acne, and wore thick black glasses that belonged on a grandpa, not a teenaged kid. He was always really smart and talented before he went off to live with that Uncle and cousin of his. You could barely tell what he looked like under all that. Looks better now; fit. Good for him."

"And for anyone with eyes. He's so _pretty_! How is _that_ fair? He shouldn't be prettier than Rose. It's _weird_." I joked, making him laugh. But my daddy is no dummy.

"So, you like him, huh?" I groaned and hid my face in my hands. "That's alright. He's only a year or two older than you and from what I remember, he was a good kid. Never caused problems. Could do worse." He said lightly, and being his daughter, I didn't miss much either. I sensed his disappointment.

"I'm not going to ever, ever, EVER date Jake, Pops. Give it up. I love Billy, too, and I know you two would love to combine the family but no. Just… NO." He sighed again and shrugged.

"Alright, but for the record, I didn't say a word." I squinted at him and he chuckled.

"You're lucky I love you more than life itself, old man." I snarked and I could see how much that statement made him happy. I made a mental note to tell him I loved him more often. I pulled a tin out of my purse that matched the tin of cookies for Edward. "Mama Cullen and I made you something." I said and cracked open the tin.

"If those are oatmeal pecan cookies, you have my permission to marry Edward." Before I could squawk out a denial of deep interest in him, Dad continued. "I need you to have possession of this cookie recipe. Like, NEED it." He emphasized and I dissolved into giggles.

"I'll let Esme know you liked them and send her your thanks." I laughed. We pulled up to the house and I made Charlie promise to save some cookies for tomorrow cause I was sure Billy would want a couple, too. I packed a picnic lunch for Dad… and Billy, making sure there was enough for that stupid boy of his, making the two older men's favorites. Deciding I wouldn't eat much, I made myself a bento style lunch separately so I could hide it in a mini cooler in the truck.

I was getting ready for bed when the house phone rang. I ignored it and turned my phone back on now that it had a charge. Finally got a chance to read the messages he sent. I was right. After I never replied, he pitched a spaz and sent a few more.

_*Hello? Are you… are you really that mad at me? Are you going to forgive me? Should I leave you alone and stop texting you? Please, Bella. I don't want to lose you as a friend. :c ~Edward*_

_*Bella, PLEASE, answer me? I really am sorry. If you do or don't want to be my friend anymore, just let me know, either way. Please? ~Edward*_

_*Look, I know I fucked up. Can you please just answer me? Uh, I just… I guess I'll leave you alone now. Sorry. For what it's worth, I'm going to miss you. I'm so sorry. ~Edward*_

I grinned and grabbed a marker and a blank white piece of paper. I scribbled on it in pretty cursive: _**I forgive you.**_ Snapped a picture of it and sent it to him. Then I frowned. _Why the hell did I dot the "i" with a heart?_

_*You're the best. See you soon. Sleep well and sweet dreams, pretty girl. ~Edward*_ I blushed at the compliment and sent him a "goodnight" message in reply. As I was about to fall asleep, Charlie knocked on my door and poked his head in.

"Hey, pumpkin, I just got off the phone with Carlisle. He and the boys are gonna meet us here in the morning. Apparently Edward and Emmett wanted to have some quality time with him and thought fishing was a great idea after you mentioned it." He rolled his eyes to show me how much he believed that. "Anyway, Carlisle, Billy, and I ain't been fishin together since the boys were about knee high so I'm _for_ it."

I squealed and opened my mouth to say something when he glared at me.

"No. Killing. Jake." He said and I sulked.

"Take the wind outta MY sails, why doncha?" I groused. Then I pursed my lips thoughtfully. "What about a prank if he gets touchy-feely?"

He sighed heavily. "If he steps out of line, you have my blessing. But no blood. No bruises. No broken bones. Verbal harassment and some hazing is fine. But _please_ honey, try and be nice?"

I smiled and blew him an exaggerated kiss. "Love you, Daddy-o."

"Love you, too, half pint." He muttered affectionately.

"Wait!" I shouted. He poked his head back in. "Do I have to make more food?" I heaved a huge sigh when he gave me a sheepish look. "Damn it, Daddy!" I snapped as he hustled away. Groaning, I heaved myself up and trudged downstairs.

I texted Edward once more. _*Why am I still awake? Oh, that's right, because Charlie volunteered me to make food for THREE MORE grown men. Was it yours or Emmett's idea? Never mind. YOU'RE the ginger. You must be the soulless demon responsible for my sleeplessness. ~Bells*_ I was teasing and I hoped that ginger crack would get me the desired response.

_*What the hell? I am NOT a ginger! The shade is BRONZE. Also, I'm sorry you're making food for us. Go to bed. We can pack our own food just as well. ~Edward*_

I snorted. _*Whatever, Duracell. I've already started the rice cooker. Doctor Dad gets what the Blacks and Charlie are getting. You and Emmett are getting bento boxes like me. I've got some cold smoke salmon that needs eating and a few other things that need to get eaten as well. Though I want to go to bed, you'll be doing me a favor. So, I'll let it slide just this once. ;) ~Bells*_

_*You're awesome! Thank you, thank you, thank you! …wait, did you just call me Duracell? Wtf does that mean? ~Edward*_

I cackled and sent one last text. _*Oh, you know. It's the battery with the COPPER TOP! Good night, sweet prince! Shutting off my phone now! Kisses! ~Bells*_ And I powered it down giggling hysterically.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

The next morning, I awoke to the delightful smell of coffee. "Dost mine nose deceive me?" I asked and inhaled deeply.

"Do you smell a big heaping dose of SEXY?" Emmett hollered with his booming laugh.

I cringed before cracking open an eye and smirking. "Yes. Yes, I do. NOTHING is sexier than Mama C's coffee in the morning." I said snatching the large thermos from him. "Now get out and let me get dressed."

"No can do, little sister. Chester's downstairs and the fathers are outside trading gossip like old hens. So, I'm here as your protector and you _know_ I won't peek." He said.

I raised my hands in mock apology. "I can't argue that. Thanks, Bear." I said and set the thermos on my nightstand. I grabbed the only clean pair of jeans I had left, light blue skinnies. _Damn it._ I hated those pants. I had to perform acrobatics to get them over my ass.

"What the hell are you doing?" Emmett asked curiously.

"Damn," hop, "frikken," jump and wiggle, "tight ass jeans," wiggle, wiggle, hop, jump, "that Rose bought me for my birthday. Hah!" I zipped them up and hurriedly put on my bra, an undershirt, and a long-sleeved royal blue sweater-shirt. "I'm decent, dude." I said and he turned around and watched while I finished getting ready. I dragged a brush through my hair and threw it up into a quick bun. Emmett tossed me my phone and I tucked it into my back left pocket.

We trudged down the stairs noisily, bickering over who would win at Scrabble: Darth Vader or Obi Wan. "Hey, Jake." I muttered. He got up and I held a hand up, palm out with my best bitch brow. "Seriously?" I asked in annoyance. Edward looked up from his cell and smirked at me. "What's got _you_ so chipper, Duracell?" He sighed heavily and rolled his eyes.

"Just texting this hot girl I know." He said nonchalantly and hit what I assumed was the send button before pocketing it.

A moment later, my phone, which I distinctly recall putting on silent, blared at full volume. I just stood gawking. "_**We're no strangers to love  
You know the rules and so do I  
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of  
You wouldn't get this from any other guy  
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling  
Gotta make you understand**_…

"_**Never gonna give you up!  
Never gonna let you down-**_"

I fell over giggling hysterically. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, EMMETT!" I yelled and got up to chase him around while he laughed his ass off. "I can't believe I just got Rick-rolled!" I complained with a grin. "That was great. But I will get you back, dude." I threatened as I sat down on the couch next to Edward and looked at the text he just sent me.

_*Chester is seriously freaking me out. He won't stop glaring at me. Are we sure he isn't just trying to use any girl he can find as a beard? I mean, are we completely, totally, POSITIVE he isn't gay? And man, he won't be quiet. He's like The Thing that Won't Shut Up. Jesus! Are you positive he isn't on steroids? He looks nothing like his dad, either, who is a cool guy. I was glad to meet him. Fuck, I hope Emmett wakes you up soon. I miss you and I need you to save me from this creepy-ass freak-fest. I think I deserve a kiss for being subjected to this in the name of your Virtue, my sweet. There is not a chance in HELL I would risk leaving you alone with this nitwit. Are you… is he serious? He seriously just asked me if I wanted to feel his "guns" with a straight face. Babe, he's better than we were with that cop yesterday. Please, dress quicker. And what the hell are you and Em doing up there? There's this loud sound like one of you is jumping. Please don't let him crash through the floor if he is… unless he lands on CTM, cause THAT would be hilarious! Oh good. You're here and wow, you look beautiful. Damn. Uh… I forgot what I was gonna say now. O.o ~Edward*_

"Aw, you poor baby." I cooed mockingly, rising to my knees on the couch and smothering his face in my boobs. I stroked his hair while he chuckled and nuzzled me.

"This is _much_ better than what I had hoped for." He said as I pulled away and kissed his forehead.

"You're welcome. Now, is the food packed up along with our bento boxes?" I asked, standing with my hands on my hips.

"How come you're so comfortable and nice to _him_?! You JUST met!" Jacob demanded angrily.

"Chillax, 'Roid-rage." Emmett snarked and rolled his eyes.

"Uh, no, we didn't JUST meet." I said and sneered at him. "Edward and I have been talking for months, not that it's any of your business." I sauntered to the kitchen for my favorite travel mug and a banana so my stomach would stop growling angrily at me. "Besides, my dad already gave me permission to marry him." I said and tried not to die laughing as all three boys gaped at me.

"I want that damn cookie recipe!" Charlie yelled into the house. Edward and Emmett roared with laughter, understanding immediately, though Edward was blushing pretty brightly. _This pleases the Bella._ I thought jokingly steepling my fingers in amusement.

"This is fucking bullshit." Jake muttered and stomped out of the house. I started eating the banana, which I may or may not have chosen for teasing purposes. I knew it would make Em uncomfortable and I hoped it would either do the same for Edward or arouse him.

_Seriously, Bella? You dirty, dirty whore!_ I accused myself internally. _You're uncomfortable with him one day, then trying to get a rise out of him the next and oh, my god that was a great pun! Why am I so fegging funny?_ I chuckled and began peeling the banana. "Are we leaving soon or what?" I called out.

"In a minute!" The dads called back in unison, barking out a laugh each.

I started eating. Slowly. _I don't want to get a stomachache from inhaling my food, now do I? _I thought and tried not to choke laughing._ …whoooooooooore!_ I smiled and licked my lips, ignoring the sexiest little whimper from Edward. Emmett made a face and walked out causing me to smirk. _Well, at least I achieved my _first_ goal._

I suddenly started humming that damned Rick Astley song and knew I needed to do more than just annoy Emmett. _I may have to play a prank on him._ I continued humming while I ate, swaying a little. "Bella, stop, _please_." Edward said and I blinked, looking over at him as I came back to myself.

"What'd I do?" I asked in confusion. I was trying to come up with a prank and it wasn't coming to me. I'd have to make a mental note and worry about it later.

"You… you just… seriously? Woman," he hissed, eyes narrowed, "you're eating a banana like it's mana from heaven and you're moving your hips and humming and… _fuck_! I can't stand up for a couple of minutes." He dragged his hands down his face in exasperation. "And those jeans? _Damn_!"

My face flamed as he adjusted himself and I started to grin. _Whore, you have succeeded. What would Rose say to do? Ah yes._ I smiled at him and winked. "It's my only clean pair. Rose got them for me for my birthday after we started doing yoga together. That's stuff is so awesome!" I said cheerfully, channeling my inner-slut. I didn't even know she existed until this morning.

He cleared his throat and looked me up and down. "The, uh, the jeans are awesome?" He asked hopefully.

I snorted and shook my head. "Hail snow! Yoga! It's so healthy and stuff. I am literally three times as strong as I was when I first moved here." I said and he nodded, understanding, looking relieved… until I added: "And I'm _ridiculously_ flexible. I can bend almost any which way. It's pretty awesome." I finished my banana, threw the peel in the trash, and was about to skip out the door when I added one last thing. "Rose says I don't understand its true potential because I'm single. But whatever. It seems pretty useful to me." And with that thought provoking comment, I flounced down the porch stairs and announced I was going to ride with the Cullens while Dad would drive Billy and Jacob.

"You are so mean, sis." Em whispered and held out his fist for a bump. "Top shelf." I bumped.

"I know. Let me go tell him we're leaving." I said and walked back into the house. "Hey, Edward?" He looked up and sighed. Aw, he was starting to suspect things. That was… so much more fun. "I'm gonna be riding you, okay?" He started coughing and I pat his back, acting innocent and concerned.

"Wh-what?!"

"She said she's riding with us. Clean your ears, bro!" Em rolled his eyes and walked out. I could see his shoulders shaking with suppressed laughter. I turned away grinning, before I lost my shit.

"That was fuckin great." Em whispered as we waited in the car. A couple minutes later, Edward was sliding into the backseat next to me.

"You okay, Tigger?" I asked sweetly.

"Tigger?" He asked tiredly.

"You know, cause he's orange. Like your hair." I teased. He groaned and buckled up. I scooted over to sit in the middle and buckled up, pressing my thigh against his. "Sorry, I always sit on the hump back here."

"It's true. She calls it Equal Opportunity Hazing." Carlisle said climbing in. "Bella, if you make any Nazi or German jokes, I'm going to play Johnny Cash the WHOLE trip."

I gasped, truly horrified. "Why you do this?" I asked pitifully.

Edward frowned while Emmett laughed. "Why is that a bad thing? Johnny Cash is great."

I nodded sadly. "I know." I whimpered and pouted my bottom lip. "But that was Renee's 'sex music.' It was ALWAYS playing when she and Phil did it. I wouldn't even hear it and all of a sudden it's "I walk the line-" and then "OH GOD! PHIL! YES, THERE!" And my poor brain just can't handle it." I whimpered pitifully again.

"Wow. That's hilarious and horrifying all at the same time." Edward said and I growled at him. "I'm sorry! It's true, though." I sighed and nodded in understanding before yawning outrageously. He seemed more comfortable with me once I stopped picking on him so much. We ganged up on Emmett and I trailed off on one of my insults, slumping against Edward tiredly. "Go ahead and sleep, love." He murmured as I rested my head on his shoulder. _I could have sworn he just sniffed me and called me 'love.'_

**EDWARD POV**

Bella smelled so damned good and I loved that she was comfortable enough with me now to fall asleep against me. "Heart-shaped pancakes." She mumbled causing Em and Dad to both chuckle.

"She talks in her sleep." Emmett said, his usually loud voice subdued with care and affection, which spoke of how much he adored Bella. "She's pretty awesome… when she isn't ripping you a new one." He added and shook his head ruefully. "But that's just one of the signs that shows she likes you so much. She teamed up _with_ you to harass me. She only does that with Mom, Dad, or Rosie. Anyone else tries to tear into me? She's at them like a terrier with a rawhide."

I looked down at her and stroked a stray lock of hair behind her ear. _Funny, smart, caring, fiercely loyal… yep. She's definitely the one for me._ I decided cheerfully. _Not to mention, hot as hell._

"You think the Chief'd kill me if I took him up on that offer?" I asked, causing Emmett to grin and Dad to chuckle.

"I don't know, son. He _does_ love those cookies…" We all laughed and I almost woke Bella.

When we got to the lake, I couldn't help but smile. I remembered this place. We even had our own boat here which meant… _Oh no. They're gonna split us up into two groups and I can just bet who Chester's gonna fish with._

I was right. Bella was over getting her gear from her Dad and I could clearly overhear the conversation while Emmett and I loaded up Charlie's Zodiac. It was one of those really nice quality rigid inflatables. The dads were all gonna use my father's nicer Boston Whaler Outrage. Not fair. _I bought it for him._ I internally sulked. _I shoulda gotten him the 190 instead of the 220._ I thought petulantly.

As though he knew what I was thinking, Dad looked over and winked at me. "You got the multi-tool I bought ya, kiddo?" Charlie asked and Bella nodded. I made myself look busy.

"Sure do, Daddy. I remember how to do it." She gave him a meaningful look. "It's only been a month since we last came here." She admonished and he grumbled incoherently. "I'm gonna go load my gear onto our boat, okay? Love you." She kissed his cheek and Billy and my dad jokingly complained about being chopped liver. "Hey now, I love all my dads." She laughed brightly and kissed both Billy and Dad on the cheek. "But Charlie's my favorite." She said and gave the Chief a big hug. I couldn't help but smile.

"Exactly as it should be." Charlie chuckled, eying the other two men. I could practically hear the two beginning an argument as they watched Bella skip off towards me.

I smiled at her as I offered to load her stuff for her. She squeezed my arm in thanks before running after Emmett and yelling at him for trying to get into our food early. My face flushed a little as I leaned down to pick up her tackle box and rods, and I nearly choked on nothing as I heard Billy heave a sigh and speak. I guess they didn't realize how close they still were to us… and what great ears I have.

"She's not ever gonna give Jake the time of day, is she?"

"'Fraid not, Bill." Charlie said ruefully. "She's more interested in college right now, but I think she might make an exception for _your_ boy." He said to my dad.

"Damn." Billy muttered. "I was really hoping she'd take a shine to Jake and knock some sense into him. He's been acting like a damn fool since he hit puberty. And I'm starting to suspect he's taking steroids. _Nobody_ bulks up as fast as he did without a little help."

I tried not to interject that I thought he was right because I didn't want them to stop talking. I really wanted to know what Charlie thought about this.

"Take his damn car away and have him drug tested. I'll take him myself to get checked out." Charlie said.

"He'll never agree to that." Billy said and ran a tired hand down his face.

"Well, you could tell him it's either that or jail." My dad piped up. "Just claim that somebody claimed to have seen him in what appeared to be a drug deal and you're just doing a routine follow through. Add that it's better to do it when you can keep it hush-hush instead of broadcasting that he's being accused of drug abuse."

I looked over and saw them grinning at one another. "Hey, you guys ready to get started?" I called over cheerfully. Thankfully I didn't dwell on their conversation or I would have been acting suspiciously. Charlie walked over and handed me a mini cooler.

"We're ready. This is Jake's share of lunch since I know Bells made you guys those bento thingies." I nodded and set everything up, Bella taking control of the motor and steering.

The dads took off laughing, already cracking open beers, and I sighed and grumbled about next time buying him something smaller.

"What do you mean buy him something smaller?" Jake asked obnoxiously, yanking the little cooler from me.

"Edward bought that boat for Dad last year for his birthday." Emmett supplied helpfully and I sighed.

"What the hell are you? A drug dealer?" Jake asked loudly, glancing at Bella hopefully.

That just made me think of the conversation our parents just had and I threw back my head and laughed my ass off. I got on the boat and sat next to Bella cheerfully, grinning the whole time, trying not to giggle.

"What's up with you, Chuckles?" Emmett asked as he climbed in carefully. I leaned over and told him about the drug test sting the dads had spoken of, explaining that's why Jacob's accusation and made me laugh so hard. Emmett's laughter shook the small boat and I had to steady it and him. Bella raised an eyebrow and, smirking, muttered about not wanting to know.

Once we were all ready, Bella set off and soon we were at a nice calm location, ready to prepare our fishing rods and gear. "Hey, do you need me to bait your hook?" Bella asked me and I frowned, nodding.

"Yeah. It's been a while and I can't remember what fish is stocked in this lake so I don't know what kind of bait to use." I admitted and Chester snorted, muttering something about me being a loser. Man, if that douche only knew. He shut up quick when Bella glared at him and sat herself on my knee so she could "show me" what she was using. I certainly wasn't complaining.

"That's a nice fishing pole." Emmett said casually to Jacob, who puffed out his chest, literally, and grinned, going on and on about how he knew he was gonna catch a big one today so he made sure to bring the line that was tested up to five hundred pounds or some such shit.

I leaned forward to whisper to Bella, whose shoulders were shaking lightly as she bit back laughter. "Does he realize what a stocked lake is and that there are NO fish anywhere NEAR that big here?"

"No!" She whisper-shrieked, laughing harder. She handed me my rod (**A/N:** BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) and moved off my lap, much to my disappointment.

Two hours in, only Emmett had caught anything and it wasn't big enough for us to want to keep it so Em released it carefully so it wouldn't die in minutes. Bella was regaling us with the one and only time she'd ever been deep sea fishing and we, except for Jake, were laughing hysterically.

"I am never fishing in the ocean again! Charlie nearly got me killed! But damn, that swordfish was tasty!" She giggled.

"I got something!" Jacob called out. Bella leaned over and watched him a moment before rolled her eyes.

"You hooked a rock, dipstick. Too much weight on your line, you bottomed out." Emmett said and chuckled.

"Fuck you, I caught something huge! You're just jealous!" Jacob yelled, his face turning red in anger.

_Good job, Emmett. Piss off the guy on steroids._ I gave Em the bitch brow I learned from his girlfriend and he nodded once, quick. Jake yanked his rod and accidentally punched himself in the balls with the hand on the reel. Em and I winced and Bella nearly pissed herself laughing.

"You're gonna break it." Bella wheedled.

"No, I'm not! It's a big fish, we just need to troll a little and tire it out!" He said angrily.

"You heard the man." I managed with a straight face and Bella huffed, plopping down at the motor and gunning it. The boat moved surprisingly fast. Jacob, however, did not. He had such a great hold on his fishing pole that he flew right off the boat, into the water.

"Fuck." I choked out and we all roared with laughter.

"Can we leave him out there? He's sucking the joy out of this." Emmett complained when all of a sudden, there was a tug on my line. I hadn't finished reeling it in and it nearly pulled me out of the boat.

"Shit! I either hooked a rock, too, or got a fish!" I said, startled. Belle touched my line and watched as it tugged, let up, and tugged again while I held perfectly still.

"Looks like you got a fish, Edward!" She said happily. She coached me as I tried to reel it in and we all stared in awe as the biggest trout I'd ever seen jumped in the air and swum back down.

"Holy shit!" I yelled and twenty minutes later I was starting to get tired. We trolled, ignoring Jake who had swum to shore, for over an hour before Emmett and I actually got the damned thing onto the boat.

"Holy shit! You just caught Big Bertha! I thought she was a joke the old fogies would talk about! Look! She's got the torn up tail and the missing eye! Oh, my god! Look at all those busted hooks on her lips! My dad is going to be SO JEALOUS!"

"I've never seen a lake fish so huge! Damn, I'm fuckin hungry!" I panted. Emmett nodded and we made our way to the dock where one old man's exclamation drew a large group.

"Holy hell, these kids caught Big Bertha! I'll be damned! How long did it take ya to tire 'er out?" One man asked. Bella looked at her cell phone.

"An hour and fourteen minutes!" She said happily. "Will you take a picture of us?" She asked and he nodded, taking her phone. "Yeah, the little circle button on the touch screen. Just tap it a few times." We got Bertha strung up, a whopping sixty-four pounder, and the three of us were grinning and posing like little kids when our dads finally made it back. "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Edward caught Bertha!" She squealed bouncing excitedly.

I felt so ridiculously proud that the fishing pole I had, that Bella baited, had grabbed the attention, and life, of one of the most impressive fish I'd ever seen. "What's the biggest lake trout ever caught?" I asked curiously.

"About seventy-five pounds, I think." Charlie said and clapped me on the back. "How'd ya catch her?"

"Ask Bella. She baited the hook for me and trolled the lake expertly. I just held the fishing pole. And I know for a fact if I hadn't had Emmett helping, I woulda lost her _and_ my pole." I said happily.

"That's my girl!" Charlie said proudly, kissing her cheek. She made a face and said:

"Ew, Daddy, beer breath." He just laughed and belched, causing us all to laugh.

"Wait. Where's Jake?"

Bella snorted and explained what had happened. Charlie tried not to laugh as she told how Jacob had sailed right off the boat. "We were on our way to pick him back up when Edward's line caught Bertha. He decided to swim for shore so we didn't worry about him."

"Well, looks like we're gonna have good eatin' tonight!" my dad said to which both Charlie and Billy cheered.

After washing our hands (Jake stayed well away from us and ate his lunch in silence) we sat together and ate our bento boxes which were AWESOME. I was grateful the ice kept everything perfect and complimented the hell out of Bella. She blushed happily and shared her chocolate bar with me. Deciding we'd had enough, and a few more photos, we all made our way back home to clean and prepare the trout for supper.

"Oh my goodness! Like at the SIZE of that thing!" Mom called out. "Who caught this monster?" I raised my hand bashfully. "That's my boy!" She called out and high fived me before tutting and pulling me into a hug.

Everyone went home for showers and changes of clothes before deciding to meet up back at my parents' house, sans Jake (Thank God), for a celebration and apparently, in the adults' case, more beer.

Mom and Bella took over the kitchen while Charlie, Billy, and my dad stood around the grill. Emmett and I sat at the island in the kitchen, drooling over all the different fish based food they were making. They were deep frying some for fish and chips, along with pan frying, and even kebobbing some and making some impressive steaks for our dads to grill. A small portion was put in the freezer for later use and the rest we were all going to do our damndest to eat tonight.

**A/N:** So, yeah. This was fun to write. The boats are real, you can look 'em up. I seriously want the boat Edward bought for Carlisle. I hope you enjoyed it. I know I did. *grins* And only one more chapter to go!


	6. Graduation and Growing Pains

**A/N: **Hey pups, this bitch is DONE! Lol. For those that enjoyed, You're Welcome! For those that followed, THANK YOU! For those that didn't like it... wait, if you didn't like it, wtf are you doing still reading it? Lol. So, here we are, last chapter. Enjoy!

_**Chapter Six: Grad Night and Growing Pains**_

**BELLA POV**

I had to fight myself not to spend every waking moment at the Cullen house just because I had a huge crush on Edward. Although, if I were to go by his attitude toward me and the hints Rose, Emmett, Mama C, Doctor Dad, and even MY dad were dropping, my feelings were reciprocated. But just because I was head over heels in love with the guy didn't mean I was going to do anything to stay near him. Like hell would I give up my college plans.

I was curled up on Rose's lap the night before graduation watching Tank Girl for the millionth time while Rose brushed my hair for me. I made her promise to brush for me any time I wanted for two months for keeping Edward's secret identity from me. "So, Emmy tells me you finally dropped the F Bomb on the way back from the airport." She said casually.

"Slanderous lies!" I shouted and sighed when she continued to brush.

"I'm so pissed I wasn't there!" She sulked.

"Not my fault you had to see the duck-billed cooter poker." I sang annoyingly.

"Oh, for fuck's sake." She groaned and face palmed. "Why do you say that about pap smears?"

"Cause the damn speculum looks like a freaky duck bill and then they-" Rose shrieked before I could finish and tugged my hair.

"THAT is enough out of YOU, child." She said sternly and I sighed dramatically, throwing myself across her lap so she could keep brushing. "So, why have you not tried to jump Edward?" She asked bluntly.

"Wow," I looked over my shoulder at her, "you're so SHY. How do you cope?" I asked sarcastically.

"You want him, Belly-Boo, just admit it." Rose said cheerfully.

"So what if I do? I have more important things to do than jump into a relationship right now. I'm not like you and Emmett. I don't have this deep, well developed relationship ready and willing to test the limits. You and Thunder Buddy have what it takes to go the distance; marriage, babies, PTA meetings, recitals and sports practices… you guys have the qualities and love and dedication to make it that far."

I sat up and hugged her, noticing her tears, and kissed her cheek. "Thank you for saying that. It's nice to hear that it's obvious to you, oh Clueless Wonder." For that I licked her cheek and jumped to my feet as she yelped and growled at me.

"Okay, so say Edward and I click and start dating…"

Rose froze as she was about to get up and tackle me, sitting back down and braiding her hair after gesturing for me to continue.

"Well, what if he decides I'm not worth the hassle when I go off to college? He's going to start his new music career and I don't want to be a part of that. The media? No privacy? I… I don't think I'm cut out for that kind of life. And besides, there are girls out there WAY prettier than me. More suited to being seen with him. I'd just embarrass him with my snark, which you _know_ I'm incapable of stopping, and my word vomit, seriously, you know I have no filter! And my lack of grace? I can't even walk across a flat surface without biffing it big time! Now let's not get shit twisted; I do not give a good goddamn what other people think of me or if I embarrass myself. But what if I embarrass _him_?" I started chewing on my bottom lip and paced her room.

"Bella, he's not that shallow. He'd _want_ to be there to catch you if you fell. He wouldn't be hung up on all that other shit like appearances and your snark, which he loves by the way. And _Christ_ girl, you're beautiful. You're fucking HOT, bitch." She added quickly, when I made to deny it. "You've got thick luxurious hair, chocolate brown eyes, and some pretty impressive T and A goin on. At this point, if he were to ask you out, to be his, to try… well, the only thing standing in your way is you, honey." Rose said and I cried. I just sat down and cried. "Oh, come on, Sugar Tits, don't cry!" She rushed to me and held me while I let it out.

"It'll never work." I sobbed. "I know I'm thinking too much and that I should give it a chance cause I love the idiot but I CAN'T!"

"You just said you love him." She interjected softly.

I buried my face in my arms and shook my head. "It doesn't matter. I'm not willing to take the plunge. I need to start my life for me before I try to date." I said decisively, blowing my nose on a tissue. "I gotta get home and get my stuff ready for tomorrow."

"Okay." Rose sighed. "I'll pick you up in the morning." She offered and I nodded, smiling gratefully. "My folks and yours will be sitting with Mama C, Doctor Dad, and Edward." She said and I froze while lacing my shoes.

I swallowed thickly and nodded. "He'll get mobbed by fans if someone recognizes him." I said as carelessly as I could.

"He'll be fine." Rose said and sighed, walking me to the door. "Be safe." She said and I climbed into my shitty old truck.

I went to bed that night with a stomachache. _Damn. Why did Rose have to start that shit? Now I'll be exhausted tomorrow and look like crap. Thanks, Demon Spawn._ I thought in annoyance. I managed about six hours so it wasn't _that_ bad but I would have preferred the nine I was planning.

"Omnomnomnomnom!" I heard right in my ear and squealed, waking quickly, swatting at Rose's face.

"I'm awake! Shit!" I whined and when her hand got too close to my face… I bit it.

"Ow! You lazy bitch! Get up!" She growled and literally dragged my ass out of bed.

"So. Much. Haaaaate." I growled back as she shoved me into my bathroom, hitting me in the face with a towel.

"Get clean, you dirty, sleep-talking whore!" She laughed and I slammed the door on her. I knew my face was flaming while she cackled.

It was a rare sunny day and yet we were still having the ceremony indoors in the Fork's High shitty auditorium.

"God, I really don't miss this hell hole." A deep voice said from behind me. I yelped and whirled around.

"God damn it, Duracell, what's with the sneaky ninja moves? You should be sitting with the parents!" I scolded, clutching my heart.

He chuckled and pulled me in for a hug. "I just wanted to congratulate you and wish you luck." He said innocently. I narrowed my eyes and he chuckled again. He needed to stop doing that. His deep laugh _did_ things to me. I noticed he was wearing his beanie and shades again. He was still hot as hell and other girls were definitely taking notice. _Whores._

"_And_?" I prompted impatiently. People, other than girls, were beginning to stare. Though that was probably due more to the fact that I was hugging a strange hot guy when I hadn't even so much as accepted a date since I'd moved here. I'd considered a couple of guys, friends of Emmett's actually, but by the time I thought to accept, I'd started talking to Edward and I just never got around to it. Then I fell for him and it just seemed pointless to try to date one guy when I knew I would only be thinking about how much I wished he were someone else. I wasn't that cruel.

"Okay, _and_ I wanted to warn you that your dad has a video camera, so if you biff it, he'll have footage of it for you to cherish." He snorted and grinned as I dropped my head into my hands.

"That old pain in the ass." I grumbled, but I was secretly happy. He didn't have much in the way of pictures and home movies, so this would be something special for him to have. I looked back up at Edward. "Why do you not miss this place? Not that I'm judging you, cause yeah, this place sucks ass."

"I was teased and bullied pretty badly when I was fifteen... and..." I raised my brow, knowing there was more and he sighed. "And that would have been enough, but the worst part is, right before I left school there was this girl who was in the office waiting to see the counselor. She had the same one as me cause her last name started with a D, I think. So, I eventually sat down on the bench near her while I waited. I wasn't looking at her or acknowledging her in any way and she gave me shit for sitting down. Keep in mind there was a good three feet between us. She would just NOT shut the hell up. I wanted to fucking punch her but my mother raised me right… ish." He corrected with a so-so hand motion when I gave a very unladylike snort.

"So, anyway, I get called in cause I'd been waiting for about half an hour when she first walked in and she pitched a spaz saying that she was there first and started ripping into my appearance and stuff cause I was… well, I was kind of frumpy back then and a total pizza face." I felt bad for the-him-that-was, so I reached out and grabbed his hand.

"Why are you telling me this? Why is this important?"

"Cause the stupid bitch is right behind you and she's in your graduating class. She's also making faces at me which I _think_ she believes are attractive." I was immediately pissed off and feeling possessive. Glancing over my shoulder, sure enough, a stuck-up strawberry blonde who only left me alone after she saw my right hook down Michael Newton was staring at Edward, winking and generally looking constipated.

"Maybe she needs the toilet." I muttered and Edward burst out laughing. Emmett came over asking what was funny when I turned on my heel and stalked over to none other than Tanya Denali. "Oh, Hail snow!" I muttered when she blew a kiss. "Hey Tanya." I said and she turned her attention to me.

"Hey, Bella, who's the hottie you were talking to?" She asked and licked her lips.

I tried not to snort and laugh… _really._ "That's my Edward." I said cheerfully.

"_Your_ Edward?" She asked, tried to raise one eyebrow and wound up with both raised, looking surprised rather than sporting the hard-to-attain Rose-quality Bitch Brow.

"Yeah. He said some chick was gawking at him, looking like she was about to be sick with her eye twitching. I turned around and you were the only one making faces at him so I came to see if you were okay." I lied blatantly. I was gonna cut a bitch if she kept raping him with her eyes.

Her face flushed unpleasantly as she snapped at me. "I'm fine. I was trying to get his attention."

"Oh, he used to go to this school, did you know?" She started and looked over my shoulder back towards him. "And he met you once a couple of years ago." I said.

"I don't remember him. But I'm sure if he remembers _ me_ he must want to…" she paused and batted her lashes. "-reconnect." She said… I think it was supposed to be seductive. _Ew._

_Man, bursting her bubble is gonna be a little _too_ fun. _"Actually, he said you were a stuck up spoiled bitch and was totally and completely rude to him one day in the counselor's office. And I quote: "I wanted to fucking punch her but my mother raised me right." End quote." She looked at me horrified as I waved to Edward and gestured around, pointing to her and punching my palm.

"Do it!" He called out and we both burst out laughing as she scrambled away from me. I walked back over to him and shrugged.

"Sorry, darling, she's too quick." I sighed dramatically. "Where'd my Thunder Buddy go?"

"Went to take his seat. Hey Bella?" Edward murmured.

"Yeah?" I looked up curiously and gasped when his lips touched mine briefly.

"Thank you." He said and went to take his seat. I took my seat, face aflame, heart thundering in my chest, and distress bubbling wildly.

Rose, who sat directly in front of me, turned and took in my face. "What happened?" She demanded in a whisper.

I leaned forward and tried not to cry. "Edward just kissed me." I whispered in her ear. "No warning. No request for permission. I'm torn between being happy that he did it and that I felt something… and punching him for stealing my first real kiss." I took slow deep breaths at Rose's urging. "I'm leaning towards a fucking junk-punch." I growled.

"YES!" Rose shouted, causing half the auditorium to jump. "Sorry! Sorry!" She ducked back into her seat. "I can't believe you just dropped the F Bomb! Fucking score!" She whispered and I forced myself to meet her high-five cause seriously. You don't leave a sistah hangin. "Also, I need to have a talk with Emmett. Be right back."

She disappeared and I pulled out my phone, playing my shitty little Japanese Dating Sim. It was cute with really nice little sexy anime dudes and let me not think about what just happened. Funny, ironic maybe, but true. Rose came back to me looking furious.

"Whoa, Sybil, chillax. What's going on?" I asked wondering what was up with all her different reactions and emotions to things the last two days.

"Okay, you _knew_ I was going to chat with Em about our little discussion last night, right?" I frowned nodding. The two shared a frakking brain. I'd be retarded if I thought she'd keep it to herself.

"Yeah, but you made him swear not to say anything, right?" I asked, clearly confused.

"Yeah. And apparently he thought he could get away with having his phone on speaker with Edward in the room so he heard the whole conversation… even the awkward embarrassing stuff for only Emmett's ears along with your feelings. That little kissing stunt Edward pulled was supposed to be his way of blatantly letting you know he's interested in you." She was practically vibrating with rage. "Em's cut off until you give me the go ahead." She stated and I just sat there, staring blankly at the podium. "I'm so sorry, Bella." She whispered. I nodded, still not looking at her.

"I don't blame you. I don't blame anyone, really. I just don't know what to think." I murmured and we all quieted down as the Valedictorian gave his speech and our names started being called. I was one of the last to be called which gave me time to think. I really did love the idiot and I wanted to be with him._ I guess I should just put on my big girl panties and not try and cross bridges before I've come to them… but first? I believe some pranking is in order._

"Isabella Swan." When the principal called me, I made my way up the steps, and, of course, tripped on the last one. My saving grace was doing the rockstar slide when I hit my knees and throwing my hands up in the classic "rock-horns." Everyone who knew me and my clumsiness laughed and I nearly fell over giggling when Rose and Angela each held up whiteboards with ten scores written on them. I stood and accepted my diploma from our chuckling principal. "Nice save." He said into the microphone and I merely shrugged, grinning.

I looked over where my family, including Rose's and the Cullens, were all yelling and cheering for me. It felt good.

I decided to pretend to be mad at Edward and Emmett even though I was already pretty much over it. It was just something I probably should have seen coming. Edward was going to think he was friend-zoned SO HARD! And Emmett was getting another Wet Willy. Douches. I cackled when Rose asked if I was alright.

"I've got a plan for Tweedles Dumb and Dumber." I whispered and she giggled, nodding.

"I'm in like sin." She volunteered and I nodded, whispering the plan. "Oh, wow. You devious little spawn of Satan. I love it!"

**EDWARD POV**

I was feeling pretty good after that kiss. She looked surprised and her face was adorably red as I sauntered back to my seat. I laughed with everyone when she tripped and made it look like she had intended that all along by rock sliding across the stage and flashing the rock horns. When they threw their caps in the air, I noticed Rose looking worried and rushing over to Emmett after having a whispered conversation with Bella.

This, in turn, made _me_ sport a worried expression. Rose was gesturing wildly and Emmett looked downright horrified and turned, meeting my eyes with a wince. My eyes went wide and I looked, catching Bella's eye. She forced a smile, it looked more like a grimace, and waved awkwardly to me before moving to talk with some of her classmates. _What the fuck is going on? I thought…_

My phone vibrated and I looked to see it was Emmett calling. "We done fucked up." Emmett blurted before I could even say hello.

"What are you talking about?"

"Rose. Man, Rosie said she completely misunderstood what Bella had been saying yesterday. Yeah, Bella loves you, but like a big brother! And now she doesn't know how to act around you because apparently we are IDIOTS!" My stomach dropped into my shoes and I felt sick.

"What?" I managed to croak out.

"Apparently that's why Bella was so adamantly against dating you in their conversation. Dude, we gotta fix this." I felt like vomiting and crying all at once. My fucking dream girl sees me as a _brother?!_

"What fresh hell is this?" I whispered and hung up when I saw Bella slip out the auditorium through a side door. I had to catch her. Had to clear this up. _Brother?_ I shuddered. _Please let this be wrong._

I burst through the door and rounded a corner only to get stopped with a spray of water to the face. "Bad, Edward! Bad!" Bella yelled and hit me on the nose with her diploma.

"What the hell?" I started but was cut off as she started pacing and tearing into me.

"What the hell is the matter with you? Huh? Being so insecure about the way I feel for you that you had to coerce your poor, innocent baby brother to let you eavesdrop on his very private conversation with his girlfriend?" I opened my mouth to speak and she sprayed me again. "No! Bad! I'm not finished."

She jabbed me in the chest with her forefinger and I was essentially knocked into the wall. I grunted but accepted it as she pressed up against me.

"I mean, yeah, I'm a bit skittish of the idea of dating you. I seriously am _not_ looking forward to dodging paparazzi but I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you, idiot though you may be, so I'm willing to deal with it if and when it comes." I grinned, and wrapped my arms around her, leaning down. Not even getting sprayed in the face again, which she did to me twice more, could stop me from kissing her again. When I pulled back, nipping her bottom lip as I rested against the wall, I pulled her comfortably against me. "You pain in the ass!" She snapped and bopped me with her diploma once more. "You know, a girl really appreciates a guy ASKING before he just up and steals her first real kiss." She pulled my sunglasses from my face and I could see she was actually upset.

"I'm sorry I didn't ask, Bella, but I'm not sorry I did it." I said confidently. "I love your crazy ass."

She choked out a laugh before batting her lashes up at me. "You have _such_ a way with words. How do women handle your magnificent prose?" I laughed and held her tightly. "I love you, too, stupid." Which made me laugh again.

"Flatterer." I teased. "By the way, making me think you wanted to be a sister to me damn near killed me." I said with a sulk.

"Don't stick your lip out like that, you look like a duck." She snapped. "And I don't care. Serves you right for not talking to me yourself. Besides, it's not like I was gonna leave you hanging like that _indefinitely_. I just wanted to watch you squirm for a bit." She trilled and tapped my nose with every other word of the last sentence.

"Remind me not to piss you off again." I muttered and took the spray bottle from her.

"Oh, you will. You can't help it. It's a mental retardation caused by your gender." She said matter-of-fact and I sighed, knowing she was probably right. About me pissing her off again, not being a stupid boy, damn it! "Come along, Shakespeare. I deserve lovins from our family." She demanded, pulling me along behind her.

I shook my head laughing. She would always enamor me. _I wonder what she'll say when she finds out I've enrolled in her college?_

**A/N:** And that's all I've got, my dears. I may be persuaded to write an epilogue, I do have a ton of ideas for possible epilogues. And I even have a few ideas, thanks to my darling hubby, about a possible ten chaptered sequel instead of an epilogue. Let me know if y'all would be interested in reading it if I wrote it. Cause let's face it, if I get inspired, I'll write it regardless of whether or not I intend on posting it. But, yeah, gimme a head's up if you're interested or if there is anything you'd like to hear/read. Love you guys!

Toodle Pip!

_**Blood Everlasting**_


	7. What-what in the Update?

**A/N**: I apologize for adding an author's note instead of a chapter but since y'all were so frakkin nice, I decided to write (and eventually post) a sequel. It will be titled "Auditory Masturbation" and I've already got the first three chapters done, though ch 3 feels more like filler while I figure out where I want the damn story to go. In any case, I will start posting in about a week or so depending on how far along I am with the fic. I don't know if it will actually end up with ten whole chapters. It depends on what Bella, Edward, Emmett, and Rose make me do. I may throw the pixie and the cowboy in at some point as well. So, yeah, the characters will let me know how short or long the story will wind up. Any feedback is greatly appreciated and if you have any hopes for the story, let me know and I'll do my best to _stick it in_. *cough-giggle-snort*

Thanks for the support and kind words. *waggles brows* Toodle Pip, my loverlies!

**_Blood Everlasting_**


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